You feel a sharp jolt! The ground is shaking. The windows of your home are shattering. The walls have come tumbling down all around you. The home that you created with your partner has been destroyed. It feels like an earthquake has ripped the foundation out from beneath you. It’s not an earthquake, but you think maybe that would be easier to understand than what you have just discovered. Your partner has a sex addiction. He has been using pornography, masturbating, and sexually acting out. You are in shock, full of deep hurt and betrayal. You have no idea how anything will ever feel safe in your world again.
The partners of sex addicts experience almost constant aftershocks of emotions following discovery. Overwhelming emotions, physical pain, and an inability to think about anything else are often used to describe your experiences as a betrayed woman. The areas of greatest impact seem to be doubting your self-worth, self-blame, feelings of abandonment, distrust of your partner and self, and deep hopelessness.
As a woman, the common response is to believe that if ‘I were prettier, thinner, more sexually adventurous, a better wife…. then my partner would not have betrayed me like this’. Women often attack their own self-worth as an explanation for their partner’s acting out. They believe that if they could make their husband happier this would not be happening to them. This is not true! It is not your fault. His addiction likely started long before you. He has been trying to stop it for a long time and has not been able to, so how could you possibly have been responsible for something you were unaware that he was even struggling with? You are not to blame. Your beauty, character, and love are not the problem. The problem is the unhealthy attitudes, patterns, and behaviors that he has developed regarding sex.
You are likely wondering if you can ever trust again. You have analyzed everything trying to make some kind of sense of this chaos. You are sure you cannot trust your partner but are even doubting if you can trust yourself. You have said things like ‘how did I not know’ or ‘I knew something was wrong, but…’ or ‘I thought I was imagining things’? You may have questioned him and he denied your suspicions, leaving you feeling like you are crazy. You are not crazy and you can trust yourself. You have been betrayed and your doubts are normal. You can learn to trust yourself and your judgment. With help, he can learn to earn your trust again.
The tremendous feeling of abandonment can feel overwhelming at times. The betrayal feels like your heart has been ripped out and stomped upon. These feelings are a normal reaction to your experience. Allow yourself time to grieve the loss of what you thought you had. When you are ready, you will start to discover that you are not alone and that your relationship has deep cracks and breaks, but it is not destroyed. With help, you can both rebuild together.
After an earthquake like you have experienced, a new foundation needs to be built. In LifeSTAR, you can both learn to build your foundation differently, based on a relationship of honesty and commitment to each other and to recovery. You will learn how to build the walls of your new home together. One wall will be built for healthy communication. Another wall will be built with the sharing of feelings. A third wall can be built through learning to express your needs and have them met by one another. The fourth wall will be built by strengthening each of your self-worth.
The homes that are rebuilt after an earthquake are not designed to look like the original home. The new home is designed differently to better fit your needs. It can be stronger and far more beautiful than you ever thought possible.
LifeSTAR of the Central Valley helps individuals, partners, and families to heal from the effects of pornography and sexual addiction. Complete our Self-Evaluation today to discover if LifeSTAR is right for you.
“When I stand before thee at the day’s end thou shalt see my scars and know that I had my wounds and also my healing.” — Rabindranath Tagore1
Recovery from addiction requires that we understand the causes of addiction and develop healthier methods to address those needs. While substance abuse recovery treatment work has its own four pillars,2 recovery from pornography addiction and other compulsive sexual behaviors must get at the root causes unique to this form of addiction: attachment, emotional regulation, core beliefs about identity, and brain-based elements. Thus, treatment approaches to aid an addict’s recovery from sexual addiction must address these four areas.
In this article, we’ll take a look at the last of the four pillars of recovery from sexual addiction which focuses on Brain-based Elements. If you missed the first three articles about Attachment, Emotional Regulation, and Core Beliefs About Identity, be sure to check them out on the Lifestar blog.
Brain-based Elements
Most people are surprised to discover that process addictions such as compulsive gambling, compulsive porn use, compulsive exercise, and compulsive shopping have a physiological impact on the human brain, but the growing body of research shows that it does.3 As a result of neuroplasticity – the brain’s ability to change, “rewire,” or reorganize itself in response to stimuli and repeated behavioral responses – the human brain is constantly adapting and changing based on how we respond to experiences.
For example, we know little babies and children who are provided nurturing and stimulating experiences have their brains developed in healthier ways in comparison to the brain development of neglected children. Human brains develop “neural pathways” every time we repetitively engage in behaviors that are rewarding and stimulating. Our brain sends a biochemical called dopamine from one brain cell or neuron to the next as a reward. Dopamine causes a reward center in our brain to feel good and creates a sense of thrill, excitement, or anticipation of good things. There’s nothing wrong with dopamine in and of itself, but when a person uses porn as the most common (or exclusive way) of generating excitement and pleasure, they form a neural pathway that truncates out other forms of enjoyment. There’s an old saying that “neurons that fire together wire together.”4
When the neuron that is actively sending dopamine in response to porn use becomes the dominant way to get excitement and enjoyment in life, the other nearby neurons make that connection, and the neurons related to other fun things like playing catch with your child, going fishing, or playing a musical instrument get neglected.
There are, of course, other biochemicals involved in the process. Research5 has shown that in addition to dopamine, adrenaline, norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin, vasopressin, DeltaFosB, and endorphins also play a role in human sexuality and sexual addiction, but dopamine is the main biochemical underlying addictions. One researcher describes the role of dopamine in addiction in the following:
“Dopamine is the neurotransmitter involved in the mesolimbic system that coordinates all natural reinforcing behaviors (eating, drinking, sex). It is also the primary neurotransmitter that most addictive drugs are known to release. Dopamine plays an important role in reinforcement and is part of the reason why craving occurs. Sometimes referred to as a pleasure chemical, dopamine focuses our attention on things that have significance to us.”6
The significance of dopamine to sexual addiction cannot be understated. We can actually map the parts of the brain where the neural pathways are deficient during active porn addiction.
Porn and sex addiction affect many parts of the brain, but the prefrontal cortex seems most affected. What SPECT scans show is that the area in the prefrontal cortex (the front part of the brain) where all of a person’s executive functioning skills are located has less and less activity flow as a person becomes addicted to porn and sexually compulsive behaviors. As a result, a porn-addicted brain looks like this:7
Now, let me be clear that it is not the actual structure of the brain that is changed, but rather the “activity flow” of the neural pathways of the brain that is measured by the scans. What looks like two gaping holes at the top of the porn addict’s image is the area of the prefrontal cortex. This is the area of the brain where decision-making, impulse control, willpower, empathy for others, forward-thinking, and organization skills (among many others) are controlled. Thus, an addict’s brain is impairing the very things they need to overcome the addiction. Fortunately, research has shown that the brain can heal after abstaining from compulsive sexual behavior.8
Some research shows short-term healing in the first few months of recovery, with even more significant healing after about a year, and full restoration of the brain after about three to five years. Though sexual addiction can be a lifetime battle, the road generally gets easier after the first couple of years.
Dr. Patrick Carnes offers the following general timeline for recovery:
“Sex addiction expert Patrick Carnes conducted a study that covered five years of addiction recovery. Carnes suggests a timeline for six stages of recovery.3
1. The Development Stage: This is the stage prior to acknowledging there’s a problem. Some are here only briefly. For others, it takes years. Some people never recognize there’s a problem with porn. The timeline won’t start until someone is past this stage.
2. The Crisis/Decision Stage (0-3 months): This stage lasts anywhere from one day to three months. “At some point, the addict crosses a line where there is a fundamental commitment to change.” For many, it’s a life-shaking crisis, such as being caught looking at porn at work or a spouse threatening to leave. For others, it’s simply a decisive moment when they choose to no longer be controlled by porn.
3. The Shock Stage (1-8 months): This stage may be the most difficult for individuals in recovery. Carnes advises, “Disbelief and numbness alternate with anger and feelings of separation.
Addicts describe physical symptoms of withdrawal that are at times agonizing. They also report disorientation, confusion, numbness, and inability to focus or concentrate. Feelings of hopelessness and despair become more intense as their sense of reality grows.”
4. The Grief Stage (6 months): This is where someone begins to deal with the pain caused by porn. They also dig into the underlying causes of their porn use, which can result in a period of deep grieving and emotional turmoil as these issues are unearthed and dealt with.
5. The Repair Stage (18-36 months): Once the grief stage is complete, the person in recovery focuses on learning balance, self-care, and positive habits that can replace porn. This is an exciting and positive time for people in recovery. Based on Carnes’s timeline, this period can last up to three years.
6. The Growth Stage (2+ years): This is the final stage of recovery. It marks a mature outlook on life and one’s relationship with porn. They can look back on their addiction to porn with gratitude for what they’ve learned. Dr. Carnes says, ‘Relationships with partners, friends, children, and family go through a period of renewal. Here, too, is where life-satisfaction measures showed improvement in the study.’
“Dr. Carnes found that most slip-ups occur six to twelve months into recovery, but those who persisted experienced increasing success after this.”9
The LifeStar program of the Central Valley encourages healthy brain recovery from sexual addiction by encouraging activities that strengthen and heal the prefrontal cortex and re-introduce healthy forms of acquiring dopamine in a variety of ways. This vital aspect of brain-based elements of healing is one of the key differences that distinguish LifeStar from other treatment approaches.
Conclusion
In summary, LifeStar of the Central Valley is uniquely poised to offer treatment for pornography and sexual addiction and other sexually compulsive behavior disorder-related concerns because it is based on four pillars of recovery specific to sex addiction: attachment, emotional regulation, core beliefs about identity, and brain-based elements. Our ten “dailies” (ten activities each participant in the program does on a daily basis to support their recovery) are based on these four pillars of sexual addiction recovery.
They include making a connection to themselves and their emotions (attachment and emotional regulation), a connection to God or their Higher Power (attachment), a connection to their spouse, partner, or key people in their life (attachment), and a connection to their accountability partner and group members (attachment). Other dailies include healthy sleep (brain-based elements), healthy eating (brain-based elements), healthy exercise (brain-based elements), and having dopamine-producing “fun” in wholesome ways (brain-based elements). Finally, we encourage the participants to engage in Mindful Self-Compassion exercises/meditations (core beliefs about an identity of worth) and to use the tools we teach in the program to fight and abstain from lust.
As the addicts participate in LifeStar, engage in the workbook and other reading materials, and honestly work the “dailies,” they will likely see their whole lives transformed in healthy, happier ways. We’ve seen this work in the lives of so many we’ve already treated, and we hope to see this recovery program work in the lives of many more who struggle with this dreadful addiction. Be sure to check out the rest of the blogs about the other pillars and if you’ve read them all, we appreciate you sticking with us through the month.
For substance addiction, the U.S. Federal agency SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) lists Health, Home, Purpose, and Community as their four pillars. Extending from that, pornography and sexual addiction have four pillars to consider: Attachment, Emotional Regulation, Core Beliefs about an Identity of Worth (as opposed to an Identity of Shame), and Brain-based Healing.
Also see: Doidge, Norman (2007). The Brain that Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science. New York, NY: Penguin Books.
Wilson, Gary (2015). Your Brain on Porn: Internet Pornography and the Emerging Science of Addiction. Kent, UK: Commonwealth Publishing.
4 See Doidge, Norman (2007). The Brain that Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science. New York, NY: Penguin Books, pp. 63-66 for a good discussion of neural map-making.
5 See Struthers, William M. (2009) Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press.
6 Struthers, William M. (2009) Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, pp. 100-101
LifeSTAR of the Central Valley helps individuals, partners, and families to heal from the effects of pornography and sexual addiction. Complete our Self-Evaluation today to discover if LifeSTAR is right for you.
“When I stand before thee at the day’s end thou shalt see my scars and know that I had my wounds and also my healing.” — Rabindranath Tagore1
Recovery from addiction requires that we understand the causes of addiction and develop healthier methods to address those needs. While substance abuse recovery treatment work has its own four pillars,2 recovery from pornography addiction and other compulsive sexual behaviors must get at the root causes unique to this form of addiction: attachment, emotional regulation, core beliefs about identity, and brain-based elements. Thus, treatment approaches to aid an addict’s recovery from sexual addiction must address these four areas.
In this article, we’ll take a look at the third of the four pillars of recovery from sexual addiction which focuses on Core Beliefs About Identity. If you missed the first two articles about the pillar of Attachment and Emotional Regulation, be sure to check them out on the Lifestar blog.
Core Beliefs About Identity: Shifting from an Identity of Shame to an Identity of Worth
In the book Out of the Shadows which launched the whole subfield of sexual addiction treatment, Dr. Patrick Carnes identified four negative core beliefs of a sex addict. The first core belief seems to drive the rest of them. This most destructive first negative core belief is about the addict’s self-image and states: “I am basically a bad, unworthy person.”3 This sense of low self-worth or what is sometimes called “discrepancy” may sound like statements the addict either says aloud or fears so deeply they never say aloud: “I’m not good enough.” “I’ll never measure up.” “I’ll never get it right.” “I’m not worth it.”
They either believe these statements or fear them so much that they do many things to “overcompensate” or prove those statements don’t fit them. So (to pick a stereotypical heterosexual example), some male sex addicts feel a woman would not be interested in them sexually (or they fear that statement so much they overcompensate and do everything in their power to ensure they are physically, financially, and otherwise attractive to women). Everything from that point forward is to maximize their opportunities to be with a woman sexually.
Their deepest fear is that they will be “not good enough.” That discrepancy core belief haunts them and drives their actions. It is further compounded by their shame. They are ashamed of the things they’ve done and seek to hide them. That shame further fuels the addiction cycle, because it is one more emotional pain they have to numb out. Shame is one more proof that they aren’t “good enough.” So, they act out sexually to numb their shame, but it only compounds their shame further.
In LifeStar, we make a huge distinction between guilt vs. shame. Guilt is a healthy emotion that holds us accountable for our actions. No one likes guilt, but guilt is simply an alarm that sounds when our behaviors don’t match our standards, values, and expectations. Guilt is a focus on behavior. Guilt stems from a growth mindset that allows us to examine our behaviors and then change our behaviors to match our values and higher standards of conduct which we expect of ourselves. Shame is very different. Shame stems from a fixed mindset and focuses on our identity. If guilt focuses on behavior, shame focuses on our personhood or identity. Shame usually sounds like; “I’m a ______ (fill in the blank with some derogatory label) ___.”
All of the time I hear addicts at the beginning of recovery treatment saying statements like: “I’m an idiot.” “I’m stupid.” “I’m a monster.” Or “I’m a pervert.” Those statements are simply false, and they exacerbate the problem because they are rooted in a false identity of shame.
In the LifeStar program, we strive to emphasize guilt over shame, and we seek to heal their shameful, false identities. Shame is like an infection in a festering wound. A person can put a bandage over the wound, but unless it is thoroughly cleaned it will never heal well. Our approach is to not only stop compulsive sexual behaviors but to also stop the shaming that is a cause in the continuing sexual compulsions. Healing from sexual addiction requires the difficult, but cleansing work of thoroughly healing from a shame-based identity.
In our program, we work diligently with recovery sex addicts to heal from their shame-based identities and shift to an identity of worth. We hold the premise that all human beings have dignity and worth. Period. Their behaviors don’t alter or reshape their identities of worth. Instead, whatever guilt they may feel, due to their behaviors not matching their values derived from their identities of worth, should become the inspiration to drive them to change their behaviors to be consistent with their values derived from their identity of worth. This is how growth happens.
This is how they can alter and change their behaviors so they no longer feel guilt. But they also have to embrace their identity of worth and cast off their negative core beliefs about themselves rooted in discrepancy and shame. Some of the daily tasks they do utilize tools centered on Mindful Self-Compassion to help them reduce their sense of shame and embrace their identity of worth.
Conclusion
In summary, LifeStar of the Central Valley is uniquely poised to offer treatment for pornography and sexual addiction and other sexually compulsive behavior disorder-related concerns because it is based on four pillars of recovery specific to sex addiction: attachment, emotional regulation, core beliefs about identity, and brain-based elements. Our ten “dailies” (ten activities each participant in the program does on a daily basis to support their recovery) are based on these four pillars of sexual addiction recovery.
They include making a connection to themselves and their emotions (attachment and emotional regulation), a connection to God or their Higher Power (attachment), a connection to their spouse, partner, or key people in their life (attachment), and a connection to their accountability partner and group members (attachment). Other dailies include healthy sleep (brain-based elements), healthy eating (brain-based elements), healthy exercise (brain-based elements), and having dopamine-producing “fun” in wholesome ways (brain-based elements). Finally, we encourage the participants to engage in Mindful Self-Compassion exercises/meditations (core beliefs about an identity of worth) and to use the tools we teach in the program to fight and abstain from lust.
As the addicts participate in LifeStar, engage in the workbook and other reading materials, and honestly work the “dailies,” they will likely see their whole lives transformed in healthy, happier ways. We’ve seen this work in the lives of so many we’ve already treated, and we hope to see this recovery program work in the lives of many more who struggle with this dreadful addiction. Be sure to come back for the final pillars as it comes out next week at the end of April.
For substance addiction, the U.S. Federal agency SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) lists Health, Home, Purpose, and Community as their four pillars. Extending from that, pornography and sexual addiction have four pillars to consider: Attachment, Emotional Regulation, Core Beliefs about an Identity of Worth (as opposed to an Identity of Shame), and Brain-based Healing.
3 Carnes, Patrick. (2001). Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, 3rd. edition. Hazelden Publishing.
By: Kyle N. Weir, PhD, LMFT
LifeSTAR of the Central Valley helps individuals, partners, and families to heal from the effects of pornography and sexual addiction. Complete our Self-Evaluation today to discover if LifeSTAR is right for you.
“When I stand before thee at the day’s end thou shalt see my scars and know that I had my wounds and also my healing.” — Rabindranath Tagore1
Recovery from addiction requires that we understand the causes of addiction and develop healthier methods to address those needs. While substance abuse recovery treatment work has its own four pillars,2 recovery from pornography addiction and other compulsive sexual behaviors must get at the root causes unique to this form of addiction: attachment, emotional regulation, core beliefs about identity, and brain-based elements. Thus, treatment approaches to aid an addict’s recovery from sexual addiction must address these four areas.
In this article, we’ll take a look at the second of the four pillars of recovery from sexual addiction which focuses on Emotional Regulation. If you missed the first article about the pillar of Attachment, be sure to check that out on the Lifestar blog.
Emotional Regulation
In the beginning stages of sexual addiction recovery work, the addict must learn to connect with themselves. To connect with one’s self, the sex addict must connect with their feelings and learn how to emotionally regulate themselves. Sexually addicted persons are generally not good with feelings. That’s because they’ve used compulsive sexual behaviors to numb out, escape from, avoid, or assuage negative, painful, or unpleasant feelings for so long. Their addictive behaviors are their unhealthy (maladaptive) coping skills to regulate or soothe their emotions. The graph below illustrates how the process of addiction works:
When an addict of any kind (including substance addictions like alcohol and drug use or process addictions like gambling, porn, or food addiction) feels a negative, painful, or unpleasant feeling, they have a desire to avoid, numb out, run away from, or otherwise escape those negative emotions. Rather than face their problems and address their emotional pain, they use something (alcohol, drugs, sex, porn, gambling, food, exercise, shopping, etc.) to temporarily relieve their pain and escape their negative or painful emotions. It temporarily works for a time while they are high or using their drug or process of choice to numb out.
Unfortunately for them, the “highs” only last so long, and then they have to come back to reality. Inevitably, when the high is over they are left lower than their original low. The problems and emotional pains from before come rushing back and often they’ve added new ones while they were high.
For example, if a depressed person decides to use alcohol to “drink their troubles away” they might temporarily numb out from the pain of their troubles. But the next morning they will always be more depressed than before they drank the night before. Why? Well, for one reason alcohol is chemically a central nervous system depressant (so they will be biochemically more depressed the next day), plus they may have gotten a DUI the night before while drunk or did some other “foolish” thing that are causing them a host of new problems.
Additionally, shame will show up as a result of succumbing to the addiction. This process of addiction happens similarly for sex and porn addiction. During the “low” or “valley point” after using, they may promise themselves they’ll never do “that” again because it left them lower than before. But the next time around when the stresses, pains, and negative emotions hit again, they often turn back to the addictive behaviors because they don’t know what else to do. When the pain gets so intense, they eventually “use” again to numb it out because they lack healthier coping skills to regulate their emotions.
What they find in the subsequent times they use is they don’t get as much “buzz,” “kick,” or effect from using again as they did the first time. If they started numbing their emotional pains during puberty using a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition magazine, that doesn’t have the same effect as before. So, they need to look for something new or more salacious. They might try videos of porn on their phone. This escalation of behavior is because they’ve built something called “tolerance” and is represented by the red loop in the graph. They need more and more, or newer and newer experiences just to numb out the pain as they progress over time in the addiction. And each time they use it leaves them lower and lower than their original pain.
That’s why they escalate their behaviors and do some really extreme things just to get to the level of relief they got when they first started using porn, sex, or other addictions. Notice they never, ever reach happiness through their addiction. It’s just numbing the pain for a short time while sinking deeper and deeper into despair. This is why addiction is often called the “chains of hell” – because the addict is being dragged deeper and deeper into their pain, and their solution is to use in a way that temporarily partially relieves the pain but always leaves them worse off emotionally and deeper in despair and shame.
In LifeStar, we help the sex addict break this cycle by teaching them how to sit with their feelings and not run away from them. We help them identify their feelings (both positive and negative), and learn to tolerate their feelings and not run from them. We help them regulate or soothe their feelings and not be so scared and ashamed of them. As they develop the capacity to identify, tolerate, and regulate or soothe their feelings, then they can move forward and develop coping skills and strategies to face their feelings, deal with the underlying issues and feelings, and ultimately succeed in facing their problems and challenges in healthier, more effective ways.
Just as any good parent of a toddler helps the child to: 1. Identify feelings, 2. Soothe (or sometimes called “organize,” “contain,” and “regulate”) their feelings, and then 3. Return to what they were doing with new solutions or options (sometimes called “coping”), we help those in sexual addiction recovery to identify, regulate, and cope with their emotions and move forward in life with healthier better options.
Conclusion
In summary, LifeStar of the Central Valley is uniquely poised to offer treatment for pornography and sexual addiction and other sexually compulsive behavior disorder-related concerns because it is based on four pillars of recovery specific to sex addiction: attachment, emotional regulation, core beliefs about identity, and brain-based elements. Our ten “dailies” (ten activities each participant in the program does on a daily basis to support their recovery) are based on these four pillars of sexual addiction recovery.
They include making a connection to themselves and their emotions (attachment and emotional regulation), a connection to God or their Higher Power (attachment), a connection to their spouse, partner, or key people in their life (attachment), and a connection to their accountability partner and group members (attachment). Other dailies include healthy sleep (brain-based elements), healthy eating (brain-based elements), healthy exercise (brain-based elements), and having dopamine-producing “fun” in wholesome ways (brain-based elements). Finally, we encourage the participants to engage in Mindful Self-Compassion exercises/meditations (core beliefs about an identity of worth) and to use the tools we teach in the program to fight and abstain from lust.
As the addicts participate in LifeStar, engage in the workbook and other reading materials, and honestly work the “dailies,” they will likely see their whole lives transformed in healthy, happier ways. We’ve seen this work in the lives of so many we’ve already treated, and we hope to see this recovery program work in the lives of many more who struggle with this dreadful addiction. Be sure to look out for pillars three and four as they come out in the following weeks.
By: Kyle N. Weir, PhD, LMFT
LifeSTAR of the Central Valley helps individuals, partners, and families to heal from the effects of pornography and sexual addiction. Complete our Self-Evaluation today to discover if LifeSTAR is right for you.
“When I stand before thee at the day’s end thou shalt see my scars and know that I had my wounds and also my healing.” — Rabindranath Tagore1
Recovery from addiction requires that we understand the causes of addiction and develop healthier methods to address those needs. While substance abuse recovery treatment work has its own four pillars,2 recovery from pornography addiction and other compulsive sexual behaviors must get at the root causes unique to this form of addiction: attachment, emotional regulation, core beliefs about identity, and brain-based elements. Thus, treatment approaches to aid an addict’s recovery from sexual addiction must address these four areas.
In this article, we’ll take a look at the first of the four pillars of recovery from sexual addiction which focuses on Attachment.
Attachment
Human beings long to be connected with others in safe, secure relationships. We desire to also be loved, cherished, understood, and valued in the closest relationships of our lives. Often attachment is threatened by rejection or abandonment. We seek to be fully known and fully loved.
We fear being fully known and rejected, so addicts hide and lie because of their shame to avoid that potential rejection. When a person uses porn or otherwise sexually acts out, they address a need for connection, belonging, and intimacy. Unfortunately, doing so in an unhealthy (maladaptive) way can never satisfy their needs. For example, the user of porn is imagining that they are being sexually intimate with the person in the magazine or on the screen of their phone, computer, tablet, TV, or other devices.
In reality, that porn star does not even know the consumer of porn and isn’t actually there to satisfy their needs. In reality, that image of the porn star is just light pixels on a screen. The porn user is trying to be intimate with light pixels. Such an experience, while exciting during the duration of the fantasy, is in reality hollow and unsatisfying. It always leaves the consumer of porn down and depressed because of a lack of real human connection. Some have argued that when an addiction escalates to sexually acting out with real people (for example, prostitutes, escorts, or with massage parlor workers) that they are finally having a real connection.
But even those experiences are laced with the counterfeit mirage of fantasy for pay instead of real, meaningful relationships forged out of love and caring interest. And often those sexually acting out experiences are done so in order to prevent intimacy and human connection – to fragment sex from the emotional intimacy of real relationships. Such false, fantasy relationships run counter to the idea of true attachment.
Healing from sexual addiction requires healing attachment wounds and discovering how to make healthy attachments in relationships. Healthy, emotionally-close relationships need to be formed with meaningful people in a person’s life – their spouse or committed partner, family members, good friends, other LifeStar group members, God or a person’s Higher Power, and even themselves. By learning to form healthy (adaptive) attachment relationships, the addict can begin to recover from their sexual addiction.
There’s a famous quote from British Journalist Johann Hari that we use in LifeStar: “…the opposite of addiction is not sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection.”3 Overcoming sexual addiction means much, much more than just abstaining from compulsive sexual behaviors. It requires healing the attachment wounds and meeting the attachment needs of a struggling person in recovery while abstaining from compulsive sexual behaviors so the compulsions and powerful urges can diminish and healthy living in healthy relationships can be restored.
Part of having a healthy attachment relationship requires being honest and trustworthy with the people we have relationships with. Without honesty and trust, you cannot build a connection into a healthy relationship. So, any sex addict or person struggling with compulsive sexual behaviors who wants to truly recover and build healthy connections has to commit to total honesty in all they say or do. Many addicts want to demand their partners trust them. In the LifeStar of the Central Valley program, we teach that no one can make another person trust them. They can only be trustworthy.
By being consistently trustworthy in all that a recovering addict says and does, eventually, a partner may choose once again to trust the addict, but it is always their choice to trust or not trust. Once a couple does begin to trust one another again, the healing of the attachment wound in their relationship caused by the addiction can begin to take place.
Conclusion
In summary, LifeStar of the Central Valley is uniquely poised to offer treatment for pornography and sexual addiction and other sexually compulsive behavior disorder-related concerns because it is based on four pillars of recovery specific to sex addiction: attachment, emotional regulation, core beliefs about identity, and brain-based elements. Our ten “dailies” (ten activities each participant in the program does on a daily basis to support their recovery) are based on these four pillars of sexual addiction recovery.
They include making a connection to themselves and their emotions (attachment and emotional regulation), a connection to God or their Higher Power (attachment), a connection to their spouse, partner, or key people in their life (attachment), and a connection to their accountability partner and group members (attachment). Other dailies include healthy sleep (brain-based elements), healthy eating (brain-based elements), healthy exercise (brain-based elements), and having dopamine-producing “fun” in wholesome ways (brain-based elements). Finally, we encourage the participants to engage in Mindful Self-Compassion exercises/meditations (core beliefs about an identity of worth) and to use the tools we teach in the program to fight and abstain from lust.
As the addicts participate in LifeStar, engage in the workbook and other reading materials, and honestly work the “dailies,” they will likely see their whole lives transformed in healthy, happier ways. We’ve seen this work in the lives of so many we’ve already treated, and we hope to see this recovery program work in the lives of many more who struggle with this dreadful addiction. Watch out for the next three pillars which will be coming out as the month progresses.
For substance addiction, the U.S. Federal agency SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) lists Health, Home, Purpose, and Community as their four pillars. Extending from that, pornography and sexual addiction have four pillars to consider: Attachment, Emotional Regulation, Core Beliefs about an Identity of Worth (as opposed to an Identity of Shame), and Brain-based Healing.
LifeSTAR of the Central Valley helps individuals, partners, and families to heal from the effects of pornography and sexual addiction. Complete our Self-Evaluation today to discover if LifeSTAR is right for you.
As a spouse or loved one of someone struggling with addiction, you are no stranger to the devastating effects of addictions or other problematic behaviors. You may feel discouraged, hopeless, betrayed, offended, hurt, anxious about the future, or have a strong desire to be of help.
People often avoid talking about their addiction due to stigma or fear of abandonment and criticism. Your loved one’s addiction slowly intruded on their life. For those in recovery, they testify they could never have done it alone. As you attempt to band together in a plan aimed at sobriety, here are some things people in recovery wish their family and others knew.
They didn’t choose to be addicted: Substance addiction often starts small. Over time, repeated use of the substance changes the way the brain functions, promoting continued use just to “feel normal” and maintain daily functioning. Continued use turns into increased frequency of use, which develops into cravings and eventually dependency. Some substances change brain functioning after one use, and addiction can occur instantly. Process addictions develop in a similar fashion with detrimental and negative impacts, particularly on some of the most meaningful reasons for living — relationships with loved ones. (1) (4)
Anyone can become addicted at any time: Contributing factors to addiction can be age of exposure, adult modeling, genetics, impulsivity, or personal pain, to name a few. Addiction does not discriminate against background, age, gender, or economic status, nor does it always fit the stereotype. Addiction is not a moral failing either. Addiction damages the prefrontal cortex, which regulates decision-making. It’s misguided to expect that all one must do to recover is to “just stop.” The changes in the brain that result from addiction take deliberate, consistent effort to repair. It takes more than willpower and forbearance to overcome. Believe them when they say they have tried just “wanting” to stop.(1) (2)
There is more than one reason the addiction developed: Rarely is it the case that an addiction develops because of one thing. Persistent anxiousness, recurring sadness, or pain from past events are some examples of reasons a person would seek relief through addiction. Successful recovery can come from focusing on root causes for the addiction and treating loved ones as the whole person they are. The addiction tends to be a symptom of influential, but less obvious, problems. Relapse may occur in recovery, but it is not synonymous with failure. Relapse can be a tool to more fully understand some of the less obvious reasons of why the addiction took over. (1) (3)
It matters what you say: Bringing up the past while they are working for a healthier future can sabotage the personal resolve required in actualizing recovery. Reliving mistakes is hard for most people, this is especially true for the vulnerable mind set of someone recovering from addiction. Language that puts them before their addiction can be empowering. Addiction is what they are experiencing, not who they are. (1) (2) (3)
They will always need your support: Hurting or disappointing you was the last thing they intended to do when they turned to their addiction. You were hurt and you didn’t deserve that. Your loved one was sick, in need of help, and somewhere under the physical and emotional turmoil created by the addiction, your loved one still existed. Addiction is pervasive and under treated. With your help, they can beat the statistical odds and find themselves again. Those who have enjoyed sobriety for extended periods of time benefit from accountability and acknowledgment of success. The courageous support of loved ones can help with maintaining sobriety. (2) (3)
Some of what you are seeing in their recovery is grief: Your loved one spent a lot of years being tied up with choices that perpetuated their problematic behaviors or addiction cycle. Being free from the demands of such patterns and cycles will feel wonderful and liberating…eventually. In the beginning phases of recovery, as they are giving up a lifestyle that hurts them and others, they are experiencing a loss. And loss is loss. Humans grieve loss. The addiction was how they met some of their needs, and how they coped with distress and pain. They will grieve the loss of their addiction and will likely need to process the loss emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally. (3)
For your loved one, treatment likely started when they hit rock bottom. By working with them, you can brighten their outlook on this low point in their life. Supporting a loved one struggling with addiction can feel very personal. The most influential thing you can do when supporting your loved one in their recovery is to take care of yourself. Learn what you need to, do self care, and get support though groups or counseling.
LifeSTAR of the Central Valley helps individuals, partners, and families to heal from the effects of pornography and sexual addiction. Complete our Self-Evaluation today to discover if LifeSTAR is right for you.
“It’s the most wonderful time of the year, so why do I feel the urge to slip back into my porn addiction?”
The holiday season is upon us once again. Some have waited in eager anticipation for all the traditional activities and merry making that come with the ending of each year. For some, it’s a time of reflection and a time for looking forward. Some have an opposite view of these coming holidays, and are eager for them to pass as quickly as possible.
For someone who experiences addiction to pornography, the holiday activities and traditions can interfere with new found traction in your recovery, and it may be difficult to know how to navigate your recovery with all the holiday demands on your time and energy.
Triggers are all too real during the last 2 months of the year. Pornography use is on the rise, particularly online, with a potential for addiction being fueled by accessibility, affordability, and anonymity. Here are some things to look out for and some ideas on how to maintain your recovery as you finish out this year (5).
Connection vs Busyness
Connecting with other humans in the name of good cheer is actually one of the best things we can do when recovering. Keep in mind, it is an effort to relieve pain or to reward the brain, neurologically, that is the chemical drive of perpetuated porn addiction. So, when relief or reward can be offered by connection to others, there is less motivation to seek out porn. The holidays have the ability to run (even the most social of us) ragged. We may find that we are too busy to continue with the adopted daily routines that kept us on track with our recovery. Fatigue and a lack of self-care are big triggers for slip-ups.
Practice radical acceptance
Your holidays may need to look a little different this year. Pace yourself. Keep a pace that will allow you to progress your efforts on a daily basis, and remind yourself that next year at this time you will be in a different place in your recovery. (1) (2) (6)
Unhealthy habits
Christmas food and drink are the keystone of every great holiday party. It’s easy to get carried away with too much food and alcohol when gathering with groups of people. What we put in our bodies can affect how we make choices, and weakened self control encourages behaviors we would not otherwise engage in. Sleep decreases and stress increases. A perfect storm for relapse.
A good defense is a good offense
Bringing your own beverage and volunteering to be a designated driver are ways to plan for staying on track with your recovery. Try to increase water intake, reduce how many goodies you enjoy, get outside more, or keep your sleep schedule steady. (1) (2)
Family and Finances
Fun memories, laughter, updates on growing children, spending on gifts or food, or traveling home, all of these are reasons we look to the holiday season with sweet anticipation. The other side of that is that some family gatherings are fraught with unresolved conflict, passive-aggressive interactions, blowing the budget on costly travel or extravagant gifting, and many other ways of being exhausted and stressed by family and finances, no matter how much you love them. These are things that can lead to someone turning to old habits of relief or reward.
Boundaries = Loving yourself
Budgeting with a spending goal is a productive way to avoid the stress that can lead to recovery sabotage. If traveling alone, opt for a hotel with no TV access. Steering clear of conversation that tends to create heat, changing the scenery and taking a walk in the brisk cold, or devoting some quality time with the little ones are options when buttons get pushed or demands become too overbearing. (1) (3)
Grief and Loneliness
The holiday season may be a time of year that highlights what you feel you are missing.
A lost loved one
A goal you thought you would have met
Other significant loss
Family gatherings
Real connection
Loneliness and grief are weighty, painful drivers toward relapse during the holidays. You know yourself better than anyone else. Are you struggling with loss of some kind, or do you historically feel lonely during the holiday season?
Be Prepared
Acknowledge and validate what you feel and say it out loud to someone (too nervous, say it to your mirror). Grief is real and can come in waves (weak, strong, weak, strong), cherish old memories by making a craft, pay homage to a lost loved one through acts of service, lean on your spiritual beliefs, or seek an outlet for healthy grieving (talking to a therapist, for example).
Loneliness is challenged when we ask to be involved in activities with extended family or close and local friends, when we create our own gathering of people we value, by reaching out to others and having meaningful and deep conversations, and by keeping our expectations realistic (don’t let Hallmark movies and social media feeds lead you to believe your holidays are not what they ought to be). (4) (1) (3)
Honor the hard work you have done so far with your recovery. You are not “missing out” by making plans, setting boundaries, and putting your recovery first – you are showing love for yourself by doing these things. You will be tempted and triggered. Count on it. But you have a choice. You have worked hard to get to where you are in your recovery. Keep up the good things you are doing for your future wellness. You are worth it!
LifeSTAR of the Central Valley helps individuals, partners, and families to heal from the effects of pornography and sexual addiction. Complete our Self-Evaluation today to discover if LifeSTAR is right for you.
Believe it or not, this is a common belief about pornography. In our society, misconceptions like this about pornography are accompanied by the word “normal.” (1) (2). Which, when something is supposedly normal, the implication is to not worry about it. More and more research is exposing the truth about how porn use can become compulsive and addictive. The negative, and sometimes profound affects of pornography use are often overlooked and mislabeled as something which simply cannot be helped- “It’s guy thing.”(3) (4) (5) (7) The unfortunate truth is that it’s not just a “guy” thing. Women consume and deal with compulsion, or addiction, to pornography as well.
In a study done in 2018, it was discovered that, using 4 identified modalities of pornography, 91.5% of men and 60.2% of women reported having consumed pornography in the past month, with women being much more likely to consume written pornography than men (6).
What follows are the words of 3 separate women who shared their experience of exposure to, consumption of, and/or addition to pornography. All names have been changed to protect the privacy of each woman.
Female Experiences
HOPE age 53
Hope remembers finding her dad’s stash of pornography when she was 4 or 5 years old. Hope’s usage of porn was on-again-off-again, consisting mostly of adult novels and cable TV. “Cable offered more access,” she stated. Hope shared a story of the first, and only, time she purchased a Playgirl magazine from the store when she was in college. She recalled, “It was humiliating enough to never want to do that again.” Hope remembers feeling very ashamed of herself in her younger years for her behaviors and noted that during that time she developed other compulsive-type behaviors. Her biggest worry was the spiritual ramifications of her behavior. Hope can see some negative affects on her self-esteem connected to her use of pornography, and believes she stopped her addiction to porn by leaning more heavily on other compulsive behaviors. “Phones today bypass the roadblocks people like me ran into trying to gain access to materials. Roadblocks that ultimately pushed me to stop using. I was lucky to have gone through the process of stopping before phones made it so accessible.”
GRACE age 42
Grace, too, was introduced to porn at 5 years old and reported finding magazines all around her parents property in magazine and VHS form. An adult member of Graces family dealt with his own addiction to pornography, so access was all too easy. Before age 5, Grace remembers her trust being betrayed by this family member, and was encouraged to watch porn with him as she grew up. When the abuse ended, the addiction didn’t. Grace lived life, hand in hand, with regular consumption of porn until she was 21 years old, keeping it a secret from everyone. “It was in the secrecy that the addiction thrived.” She looks back on that time as a life laced with hypersexuality. Even normal things became sexualized, and her estimation of herself was based on how closely she looked like the women in those videos. “I deduced that I was nothing. I could never look like these women. I believed a woman was only valuable if she was sexually desirable. What a dark place that was.” Grace spent 25 years trying to stop the urge to view porn, only to succumb during times of high stress and perceived loneliness. “I needed professional help because the addiction was more than I could handle alone. A patient and loving partner was essential for me, as was a place to let the secret out without judgment.”
CHARITY age 39
Charity shared that she was introduced to pornography at about age 7 or 8, and compulsively used it for 5 years. Like the abuse she endured, she did not seek out pornographic material, it was shown to her. Charity was 16 years old when she discovered using porn did not align with her values, and made an effort to stop. It took a year for her to kick it, but stated that there are consequences to being hypersexualized at such a young age, even 20 years later. “It sexualized my brain. My brain is wired in a visual way. I recall the images from the pornography from so long ago better than many of the details from my childhood. I don’t know if that will ever go away.” Charity noted some of the long term consequences she experiences. “I never felt worth anything. I never believed anyone would actually want me. I still have a negative self image.” She finds herself being vigilant with her children in an effort to spare them the experiences she had.
Their Advice
Each of these women know what it is like to struggle with the consequences of viewing or reading pornography. When they were asked about what they might say to another woman who may be struggling to eliminate pornography from their lives, this is what they said.
Hope: You are not alone. There is no shame in looking for help. It takes effort to follow a resolve to quit, so find people you can turn to.
Grace: Learning to see that I had a choice was very hard for me. I allowed myself to believe the lie that I had no control over what I thought, thus no control over quitting. Be patient with yourself as you make the choice to stop. Find out all the reasons you started, and be compassionate to yourself about it.
Charity: It gets easier over time. Don’t allow thoughts of pornography to linger in your mind. When something in regular life becomes sexualized, I have to actively redirect my brain.
The Life Star Program has a group just for women who experience what these women shared. If you can relate to the words of these individuals, know that you are not alone, and there is help.
Here are some other articles on the subject that may be helpful:
Love, T., Laier, C., Brand, M., Hatch, L., & Hajela, R. (2015). Neuroscience of Internet Pornography Addiction: A Review and Update. Behavioral sciences (Basel, Switzerland), 5(3), 388–433. https://doi.org/10.3390/bs5030388
Stark R., Klucken T. (2017) Neuroscientific Approaches to (Online) Pornography Addiction. In: Montag C., Reuter M. (eds) Internet Addiction. Studies in Neuroscience, Psychology and Behavioral Economics. Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-46276-9_7
De Sousa, A., & Lodha, P. (2017). Neurobiology of Pornography Addiction – A clinical review. Telangana Journal of Psychiatry, 3(2), 66-70. doi:10.18231/2455-8559.2017.0016 https://www.ipinnovative.com/journal-article-file/5374
Solano I, Eaton NR, O’Leary KD. Pornography Consumption, Modality and Function in a Large Internet Sample. J Sex Res. 2020 Jan;57(1):92-103. doi: 10.1080/00224499.2018.1532488. Epub 2018 Oct 25. PMID: 30358432. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30358432/
Aubrey, J. S. (2006). Exposure to sexually objectifying media and body self-perceptions among college women: An examination of the selective exposure hypothesis and the role of moderating variables. Sex Roles, 55, 159-172. doi:10.1007/s11199-006-9070-7 https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2007-07671-002
By: Amada Flood, MS, AMFT
LifeSTAR of the Central Valley helps individuals, partners, and families to heal from the effects of pornography and sexual addiction. Complete our Self-Evaluation today to discover if LifeSTAR is right for you.
Do you feel like you are looking for love primarily through sex? Are you turning to pornography to feel excited when you’re lonely or stressed? Are you surprised how much time you are spending online looking at porn? If so, you’re not alone. Thirty-five percent of all internet downloads are porn, people spend about 12 hours a week viewing porn, and using social media or other online dating apps to have fleeting sexual encounters is skyrocketing.
Sex Addiction in Women
Most people think that pornography and sex addiction is a male concern, but research shows that one-third of all pornography consumers are women and that 17% of all women struggle with porn addiction. In general, pornography and sexual addiction involves using sexual images, thoughts, fantasies, and behaviors to numb out or escape negative emotions to the point where it causes difficulties in a person’s life and they cannot seem to control their urges, thoughts, and behaviors. In women, sexual addiction may also have additional features. Women with sex addiction often have unrealistic ideas about love, conflate intense sexual experiences with love, and feel deeply unworthy when not in a romantic relationship. They may also place themselves in situations of physical or situational danger to sexually act out, and be willing to put up with abusive behaviors from their partners or others to avoid the loss of a romantic relationship.
Treatment for Female Sex Addiction
Treatment for pornography and sexual addiction for women includes some of the same elements of sexual addiction treatment for men (for example, work to help bolster emotional regulation capacities, effective coping strategies, and daily activities to heal the damage caused to the brain by pornography and sex dependence), but women also need tailored treatment to address their unique underlying causes for sexual addiction. Sexually addicted women tend to have experienced higher sex-related shaming in their youth, higher rates of sexual abuse than their male counterparts, and have had romantic partners who have histories of addiction. They may also have had struggles with nicotine or other substance addictions and food addictions or other eating-related disorders.
By: Allison B. Weir, MS, AMFT and Kyle N. Weir, PhD, LMFT
LifeSTAR of the Central Valley helps individuals, partners, and families to heal from the effects of pornography and sexual addiction. Complete our Self-Evaluation today to discover if LifeSTAR is right for you.
Over the past few years as I have seen men and women come and go from the Lifestar program, I have heard a number of similar mindsets echoed from both those that stay, experience growth and success and ultimately graduate, as well as those who come, don’t stay and continue to struggle. These misconceptions often prevent people from seeking treatment or staying in recovery. Here are the 3 most common misconceptions about sexual/pornography addiction and its treatment.
1. “I can do this on my own.”
What exactly are you trying to do on your own? If it is just about giving up the sexual addiction or stopping the behavior, then sure maybe you could achieve that. However, in the case of sexual addiction it is never about just giving up porn or halting the behavior. Sex addiction is more about how those mediums are used to replace meaningful connections or attachments in your life. If you are focused on just stopping behavior, you are really not addressing the main issue. A huge focus for Lifestar is learning how to form meaningful connections and then having the space to do so. As I see men graduate, they resoundingly talk about the connections they made and how that strengthened them in tough times, and helped them more than they ever thought it would. If you really want to address addiction, it cannot be done alone.
2. “I thought it was just me.”
This is perhaps the most frequent comment I hear from individuals new to Lifestar. They have, for so long, told themselves that it was something that only they struggled with and the shame associated with such a thought has only driven them to hide their addiction and behavior more. Shame innately wants us to hide the behavior and that is dangerous with addiction. First time members to the group frequently report that hearing others’ stories – and sharing their own – takes a load off of them. They begin to realize the role of shame in their life and that it wasn’t just something that they struggled with. This is not just a “you thing”. So many share the same concerns and issues that you face everyday. There is no need to remain in the shadows, you are not alone.
3. “This will just be my issue for life.”
I hear this both from first-timers and those who have been in the program for a little bit. I have learned that this is not as much a statement about one’s ability to overcome the addiction but rather it is about hope. Facing something that you have wrestled with for many years can feel daunting. When addicts face the challenge of change, they often want to do it all at once. I liken this to the popular image of eating an elephant in one sitting. It cannot be done. Change is a process and not an event. Those who lack hope are typically fixated on the end product rather than the process. Conversely, those who actively engage in the process find more hope day to day. In Lifestar you will be provided a template for how the process will look. There is hope in recovery, you just have to be looking at the right thing.
If you find that any of these three mindsets have kept you from reaching out and starting the process of addressing your sexual addiction, just remember that it is not just you, you can change through a meaningful process, and we are here for you so that you do not have to do this alone.
LifeSTAR of the Central Valley helps individuals, partners, and families to heal from the effects of pornography and sexual addiction. Complete our Self-Evaluation today to discover if LifeSTAR is right for you.
LifeStar of the Central Valley Blog 