How Paying Attention Protects Our Children from Porn


Screen Shot 2017-04-13 at 2.16.56 PM
In my recent interview with Lisa Shanklin of Educate Empower Kids, we focused on one of the topics emphasized in my book – protecting children from pornography. In the chapter entitled “How Paying Attention Protects Our Children from Porn” and in this interview, I suggested 4 critical ways that parents can pay attention to their children, thereby protecting them from pornography.

I invite you to check out the article to learn these 4 crucial strategies for all parents.

Also, for a powerful video with additional suggestions for parents, click here.

Forest Benedict, LMFT, SATP, Clinical Director of LifeSTAR of the Central Valley. If you benefited from this article, please “follow” us on this blog and on Twitter, “like” us on Facebook, and SHARE this article and blog with others. Thank you!

Posted in Children, Parents, Recovery, Sexual Addiction, Teens | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

A Video Worth Sharing – Dear Porn: A Father’s Letter


Screen Shot 2017-03-29 at 11.57.27 AM

I created this powerful video to challenge fathers (and all parents) to wake-up and engage in the battle to protect children from pornography. Learn how you can oppose pornography in your personal life and in the lives of the most vulnerable among us: our children. Please help us share this VERY important message.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH

Forest Benedict, LMFT, SATP, Clinical Director of LifeSTAR of the Central Valley. If you benefited from this article, please “follow” us on this blog and on Twitter, “like” us on Facebook, and SHARE this article and blog with others. Thank you!

Posted in Addiction, Anti-Porn Movement, Inspiration, Parents, Recovery, Sexual Addiction | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Watch Live Now: Confronting Sexual Exploitation at the Capitol


Screen Shot 2017-03-20 at 10.13.18 AM
NCOSE is hosting a National Symposium at the U.S. Capitol to present Congress and the President with policy recommendations for addressing these critical issues. While the event is primarily for Members of Congress and their staff, it is also complimentary and open to the public.
 
*Note: May contain triggering content
Posted in Anti-Porn Movement, Uncategorized | Tagged | Leave a comment

13 Porn-Free Years: A Therapist’s Path from Pain to Purpose


climbing-to-the-top-2125149_1920

Today I celebrate 13 years free from pornography addiction. It has been a amazing journey and I am so grateful for it. As I celebrate another milestone, it is my honor to give back to those who are lacking hope in their battle against sex addiction. Here is the first chapter of my new book Life After Lust, called My Path Out of Porn Addiction: A Therapist’s Journey. May it give you a new vision for recovery as you pursue your path from pain to purpose.

 

 Chapter 1

My Path Our of Porn Addiction:

A Therapist’s Journey*

Essential Mindset #1: Recovery from sexual addiction is difficult, possible, and worth the effort.

Essential Mindset #2: Past pain that made me vulnerable to addiction must be addressed for healing to occur.

I came into the world surrounded by love. Kind to animals and humans alike, I was a caring, imaginative, and gentle child.

Living with my loving parents and sister, none could’ve predicted the pain that was to come. Much of my oncoming anguish would arrive through interactions with my alcoholic, bipolar father. At times he was creative, affectionate, and fun. Other times he inflicted psychological and religious abuse. There were seasons of both attention and absence. I felt abandoned.

Through the years, our relationship was turbulent. I longed for my father and fought for his attention. Looking back, I see he never gave me what he had never received — a secure, connected, and healthy relationship. I was primed to seek comfort outside of connection. I was a victim who was vulnerable to the allurement of addiction.

Sexual curiosity came at a young age, as did sexual self-soothing. Then, at age 12, an unexpected exposure to pornography at a friend’s house changed the course of my young life. The image I viewed that night is forever burned in my brain.

I was a shy yet ambitious adolescent, excelling in school, service, and scouting. My newfound interest in pornography first developed into a habit, growing gradually into a self-destructive force that bound me with secrecy and shame. I mastered sneakiness. Like any addict, I was skilled at finding my drug and covering my tracks. Some of my sexual excursions were at the expense of others. Those memories are laden with lasting shame.

In my late teen years, my addiction escalated, paralleling increased internal pain. I didn’t know it then but those were traumatizing times for me. After acquiring an undeserved inheritance from his deceased parents, my dad’s deepest downfall began. He was hostile, manipulative, and suicidal. Eventually he lost it all and I sought to save him from the horrors of homelessness.

At times my dad would just disappear. I found myself overcome with fear, scouring the streets until I found him dazed with drunkenness. Our deepest connections came on those long drives to Detox. I believed he would die if I didn’t save him. In the end, I never did. He was devoured by the dangers of the streets; a victim of violence, he would never be the same.

The advent of the internet opened Pandora’s Box for all porn addicts. I was no exception. I shared my struggles with my closest friends yet could not shake my shameful double life. When I finally told my mom about a dominating addiction that required professional treatment, she was shocked. I was 24 years old.

March 16, 2004 was the night of my last hurrah, my final fling with pornography and masturbation. The next day, I drove out of town for four days of intensive sexual addiction treatment at an Every Man’s Battle workshop. While I attended, I sought spiritual strength. I read John Eldredge’s book Wild at Heart, cementing my fighting commitment. When I left, I was equipped with tools and a tenacious attitude. I took responsibility for my healing. I steadfastly applied what I learned. I trained my eyes to evade lust. I began using boundaries to minimize triggers. Faithfully attending my recovery group, I learned the art of accountability calls.

I started practicing healthy habits and attending personal therapy. My therapist focused on my father-related pain more than my porn use. Confused at the time, I later realized why I needed this. Together, we courageously walked into my wounds. Deep healing required attending to the driving force of my addiction, the hurts in my heart. Without going back, I could not go forward.

Though it was one of the toughest tasks of my life, I took the risk of trusting God and others. This marked a new path in my recovery journey.

Opportunities to help others opened up. Deciding to make a career and calling out of sexual addiction work, I moved to Fresno, California, where I earned my Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. My senior paper was entitled Protecting Children from the Path of Pornography. After graduation, I became certified as a Sexual Addiction Treatment Provider (SATP) and went on to work with a local LifeSTAR outpatient treatment program. Once licensed, I became the program’s Clinical Director.

There I have the opportunity to help sexual addicts, their partners, and young people as they recover from sexual addiction and its detrimental effects. I now train therapists to do sexual addiction treatment through the SATP program from which I graduated. I aim to be a voice for those silently struggling, yet too ashamed to speak up. Sometimes this means talking to parents about the threats of the internet and teaching teens about the pains of porn addiction. I have grown through these experiences and I am grateful. This is all part of my purposeful path.

In recovery, I realize that the love I sought through lust was always around me. I enjoy deepening connections with God, family, and friends. I have a caring and beautiful bride of 11 years. I get to re-define the meaning of fatherhood, giving to my boys that which I never received. I’m growing to trust a Divine Daddy so different from my own. I’m increasing in affection for my pained self inside. The long line of generational addiction in my family of origin can end with me. Learning to love and be loved is the challenge of my lifetime.

My story has come full circle. I have not indulged in pornography or masturbation in over 12 years, since that fateful March evening. More importantly, I have experienced deeper healing. While this may sound like a flawless recovery, I assure you it is far from that. I have fought and failed in many ways. I still wrestle with resentment. When feeling weakened, visual lust remains my Achilles heel. Still, I do not excuse myself from this fervent fight.

Sometimes I seek out “lesser evils,” soothing myself with sugar, drowning myself in distraction, working harder to win a sense of worth, and seeking attention over connection. I am aware of the ways I am vulnerable to addiction. I remain an adult child of an alcoholic, with wounds that demand both my time and attention. To maintain momentum, I must work my recovery. I continue to pursue healing for past pain, a shame-based identity, and a victim mentality. I remain accountable to many. I contend to care for myself. I, like all humans, am a person in progress. As it was in the beginning, so it remains; recovery is a one-day-at-a-time process.

Stepping into the Stigma

Sexual addicts are socially stigmatized. It seems that “those people” are labeled as lower down the ladder than other types of addicts. This judgment of how we’ve coped with our pain only shames us into silence and deeper isolation.

For this generation to stand a chance, we must begin bold conversations about this uncomfortable topic. I hope someday the stigma is silenced and that hooked and hurting individuals from all walks of life will feel safe enough to come forward, giving their wounds the attention that’s warranted.

Leading with vulnerability, I willingly, publicly, step into the stigma. My desire is that those who read this will experience boosted belief in the hope of healing.

Reaching For You

I was once addicted to pornography. It does not define me but it does remind me. When I look at my life, my family, my friends, and my work, I’m amazed at where recovery has led me. The gifts are worth the grief. This has been the most difficult yet most rewarding path of my life and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

With the help of others, I have climbed up the steep path and out of the valley. I will continue extending my hand down to anyone brave enough to grab hold of it. I will continue using my life lessons, the science I’ve studied, and the strategies that have strengthened others to help anyone ready to rise up.

Will you have the boldness to believe in the hope of recovery?

Will you reach out and take this recovering rebel’s hand?

When you do, your life will never be the same. Nobody can predict what adventures lie ahead for you. I can only imagine the depth of meaning and connection waiting on your personal horizon. Such is the steep path out of sexual addiction:

Frightening.

Exhilarating.

Possible.

I can attest with certainty that the view from the top is astounding, satisfying beyond words, and worth every grueling step.

 

*** Click here for additional resources and information about Life After Lust

Forest Benedict, MA, SATP-C, LMFT, Clinical Director of LifeSTAR of the Central Valley If you benefited from this article, please “follow” us on this blog and on Twitter, “like” us on Facebook, and SHARE this article and blog with others. Thank you!

*Benedict, F. (2015). My path out of porn addiction: a therapist’s journey. Retrieved from https://lifestarcentralvalley.wordpress.com/2015/04/22/my-path-out-of-porn-addiction-a-therapists-journey/

*Benedict, F. (2015). My path out of porn addiction: a therapist’s journey. Retrieved from http://www.fresnobee.com/opinion/readers-opinion/article20947515.html

Posted in Addiction, Female Sexual Addiction, Inspiration, Recovery, Sexual Addiction | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

How to Change Your Life in 5 Seconds


time watch sunset

We are all looking for a simple tool that leads to significant shifts in our behavior. The 5 Second Rule, created by Mel Robbins, is one such tool. If you’re interested in learning how to change your life in 5 seconds, take a few minutes to watch the video below. This powerful exercise can lead to massive changes, one choice at a time.

–By Forest Benedict, LMFT, SATP, Clinical Director of LifeSTAR of the Central Valley If you benefited from this article, please “follow” us on this blog and on Twitter, “like” us on Facebook, and SHARE this article and blog with others. Thank you!

Posted in Addiction, Inspiration, Recovery, Science, Sexual Addiction | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

LifeSTAR’s Forest Benedict on the Trevor Carey Radio Show Today (Audio)


screen-shot-2017-02-24-at-8-09-16-pm

Today I had the opportunity to do a radio interview on the Trevor Carey show (FM 96.7/AM1400) about the effects of pornography, protecting children from pornography, and other topics related to sexual addiction treatment. The issue that sparked Trevor’s interest in this interview was Hustler’s lawsuit against our city. This morning Trevor found the article I wrote in the Fresno Bee last June on this topic called Vote for Love, Not Porn and invited me to share my perspectives on the topic. It was a great opportunity. Click here to hear our interview.

–By Forest Benedict, LMFT, SATP, Clinical Director of LifeSTAR of the Central Valley If you benefited from this article, please “follow” us on this blog and on Twitter, “like” us on Facebook, and SHARE this article and blog with others. Thank you!

 

Posted in Addiction, Anti-Porn Movement, Female Sexual Addiction, Parents, Partner of Sexual Addict, Recovery, Sexual Addiction, Shame | Tagged , | Leave a comment

8 Ways to Stand Against DARKER “Shades of Grey” by Forest Benedict, LMFT, SATP


hand-protest

When this article was originally published two years ago, it went viral with almost 18,000 hits and 5,500 Facebook shares. This powerful, controversial piece is featured in my upcoming book “Life After Lust: Stories & Strategies for Sex & Pornography Addiction Recovery” (Available Valentine’s Day). As the second “Shades of Grey” movie is soon to hit theaters, may we all join in solidarity, boycotting the second movie in this series that promotes pornographic and abusive themes (#FiftyShadesIsAbuse).

 

As a therapist who specializes in treating sexual addictions, I have both seen and studied the effects of the misrepresentation of sexuality through pornography. From young to old, our generation has unprecedented access to sexually explicit material, leading to increased addiction and damage socially, relationally, and sexually. Pornography’s messages are in opposition to healthy, connected relationship. Instead, “pornography promotes and eroticizes power imbalances, discrimination, disrespect, abuse, violence, voyeurism, objectification, and detachment” (The Social Costs of Pornography). These are not values that enhance our world. These messages demean and dehumanize. We have yet to experience the full ramifications of living in this porn-saturated era.

Just before Valentines Day, the controversial yet highly anticipated movie “Fifty Shades of Grey” hits theaters. While the movie achieved an “R” rating, that does not discount its pornographic plot. Just like other forms of pornography, this movie communicates messages of degradation, objectification, and abuse.

study published in the Journal of Women’s Health in 2013 examined themes in Fifty Shades of Grey, with the help of abuse and sexual practice experts. The results revealed that the book has extensive instances of emotional abuse, sexual violence, and reactions by the victim (Anastasia) that are typical of abused women.

The conclusion of the study was this:

“Our analysis identified patterns in Fifty Shades that reflect pervasive intimate partner violence—one of the biggest problems of our time. Further, our analysis adds to a growing body of literature noting dangerous violence standards being perpetuated in popular culture.” (For more information, check out this article entitled “50 Shades of Domestic Violence”).

This movie is about relational dysfunction and romanticized violence. It is pornography, repackaged and glorified. As this tainted tidal wave looms before us, action is essential. We MUST do something.

What Can Be Done?

 Many caring individuals and organizations oppose Fifty Shades of Grey for various reasons. But can we really do anything meaningful to resist this movie, limit its profits, or communicate to both Hollywood and our leaders that it is unwanted in our communities?

I believe we can.

The ground-breaking booklet called “A Guide to What One Person Can Do About Pornography” introduces the concept of citizens challenging and changing their community standards regarding pornography. A simplified explanation is this:

“In 1973 the Supreme Court ruled that each community can set its own community standards. How are they set? It really is simple…If you want low community standards, be silent…If you want high community standards, speak up…The key phrase is “Silence is Acceptance”. If you see something you believe to be obscene and you are silent, you are, in reality, accepting it as a community standard…A community that makes it unprofitable for a business to [disperse] pornographic or obscene material will make great strides in establishing a standard of community non-acceptance for such material.”

In similar words, “the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good people to do nothing” (Edmund Burke).

Specific Strategies

If you are with me in opposing the pornographic content and abusive attitudes presented in Fifty Shades of Grey, I invite you to consider the following specific actions that are strides forward in raising our local, national, and global standards. These suggestions can be modified to protest any businesses that sell, rent, or disperse pornography in our communities and online.

1. Let Your Money Talk – I optimistically believe that theaters choosing to show Fifty Shades will respond to the withholding of profits. Refraining from seeing this movie is only the beginning. What I believe local theaters will notice is the loss of profits for all movies. Thus, I challenge you to consider refraining from giving your money to any theater that is choosing to side with Fifty Shades and its demeaning messages for the entire duration that the movie remains in those specific theaters. Instead, consider visiting only theaters where this movie is not being played. If enough concerned citizens participate, this shifting of funds can make a significant difference. For years, I have avoided gas stations and other local businesses that sell pornography, even when it meant paying a few more cents for gas or taking a detour. To me, it is essential that the funds that are allowed into my life do not funnel back into the porn industry.

2. Put it in Writing – In order for theaters to understand our motives, they must read our message. When theater management receive a physical or emailed letter detailing why we are refraining from giving them business, they can more clearly assess if showing Fifty Shades is worth it, both financially and ethically. Again, I’d like to optimistically believe that those who run these businesses are not intentionally seeking to perpetuate violent and destructive perspectives but are merely uninformed. Consider copying and personalizing the letter in this link and sending it to all local theaters in your area that are choosing to show Fifty Shades of Grey.

 

3. Invest in the Good – As mentioned in the letter to theaters, consider countering this movie’s messages by promoting healing and hope. There are countless possibilities. For one, the National Center on Sexual Exploitation is leading a campaign called 50 Dollars Not 50 Shades (#50DOLLARSNOT50SHADES), challenging potential movie-goers to give to local domestic violence shelters instead of paying to watch abuse on the silver-screen. Another option is stated in the above letter of protest; giving toward causes that perpetuate love, human worth, and healthy sexuality. These acts could even be a part of making amends for those recovering from an addiction that once strengthened the sexual objectification industry. This may mean seeking recovery, reconciliation, or romance. You decide.

4. Check Out “Life After Lust” – “Life After Lust” is not your average recovery book. While it does provide excellent recovery focused content, I also strongly argue that as we recover from addiction, we connect with our deepest convictions and with the courage to stand for them. The last section of my book, called “Mission,” is where the topic of purpose is addressed. In this section I have emphasized the importance of protecting children from pornography and standing against the porn industry (among other important topics).

Some of the book’s “Missions to Accomplish” in recovery, reflect this emphasis:

Mission to Accomplish #3: Standing against businesses that profit from the porn industry

Mission to Accomplish #4: Opposing the porn industry in my streets, my home, and my heart

Mission to Accomplish #6: Finding the courage to stand for my deepest convictions

Mission to Accomplish #7: Standing against objectification and sexual exploitation

Mission to Accomplish #8: Actively working to raise my community’s standards regarding all forms of pornography

Mission to Accomplish #11: Proactively protecting my children from the threats of pornography

Mission to Accomplish #12: Proactively protecting the younger generation from the threats of pornography

Mission to Accomplish #15: Creating a legacy for future generations

One Anti-Pornography Activist shares this reflection on Life After Lust:

“I sincerely appreciate the emphasis on protecting children and standing against pornography. The chapter, “Dear Porn: A Father’s Letter,” is close to my heart and truly a call to arms. As a mother and activist, I face this battle every day. Forest Benedict is a powerful ally in the fight!”
-Melody A. Bergman, Writer, Speaker, Activist, Mamacrossroads.com

I believe this book will help many sex addicts recover, emboldening them to stand for their deepest convictions to change the world we all live in. To receive news on this soon to be published book, click here.

5. Share This Article with Others – If you resonate with this article, please share it with family, friends, fellow church members, recovery circles, pastors, leaders, and other pro-humanity organizations. Let’s not let differences in ideologies or theologies thwart our unified efforts in this cause. There are countless individuals in our communities who care for human decency and the betterment of our world. Personally, I am sharing this article everywhere I can think of….from Facebook to The Fresno Bee newspaper. If you’ve caught the vision, please help spread the news.

6. Join the Movement – There are several amazing, knowledgeable, and well-equipped organizations that are already leading the charge in the Anti-Pornography Movement. If you feel a swell in your heart to join this mission, consider volunteering, giving, and spreading the word about these credible causes. The National Center on Sexual Exploitation and Fight the New Drug are among leading organizations working tirelessly to inform and inspire. They also seek to unveil the destructive messages inherent in Fifty Shades of Grey. I invite you to join the Anti-Pornography Movement Facebook Group I started as well.

7. Persist – There will likely be more movies in the Fifty Shades series and, as always, we can count on the porn-industry and Hollywood pushing the limits of what we will tolerate in our communities and world. Media of all types is continuously dispersed that contributes to the dehumanization and severe objectification of others. Repeating our message is not only helpful, it is necessary. Perseverance will pay.

8. Believe – There are many success stories of people fighting the porn industry. One massive victory against pornography occurred when the Australian Federation for the Family campaigned against Playboy for 17 years. Their national boycotting efforts in Australia led to the eventual cancellation of all advertising contracts of both Playboy and Penthouse and in 2001 Australian Playboy went bankrupt. Many passionate and caring people are actively standing up for human dignity in this area and their voices are making a difference. Ours will too.

The Boldness of Integrity

The primary purpose of writing this piece is not to change people’s minds about Fifty Shades of Grey. Sadly, many people are excited to see this film. Such is the world we live in. My main intention is to invoke the dormant passion in those who care about this issue, equipping them with effective tools I believe can make a difference.

We have a profound opportunity before us. As Brennan Manning powerfully penned, “It is a courageous determination to make unpopular decisions that are expressive of the truth of who we are.” This is one of many opportunities to stand against the cultural tides that glorify movies and messages that dehumanize and destroy. This is about adding action to our awareness.

In the book If You Know Who You Are You Will Know What to Do, Richard Greer writes that “living with integrity requires clarity of purpose, commitment to values, and then courage – the courage to live what we believe even at personal cost.” One Fifty Shades article by Tim Challies challenged readers with this clarifying question: “How can we hope to maintain integrity in the eyes of our brothers and sisters if we say we will help them battle sex trafficking in one moment but pay to enjoy scenes of violent sex in the next?” For anyone who believes in standing against the proliferation of pornography and sexual exploitation, this is a call to congruency. It is time to proceed in step with our values.

I beg the reader, please do NOT react to this film in a manner that contributes to the problem. If we’re fighting for human dignity, we must do it in a humane and dignified manner. Fighting violence with violence (or even disrespect) makes us hypocrites. Instead, what the world needs is courage and conviction balanced with care for others.

For those who have been impacted negatively by another’s choice to consume pornography or who are in recovery themselves, you are not disqualified from taking action. Often the wounded make the mightiest warriors. Your story will fuel your fervency.

Changing the World

“Is this the world you want? You’re making it, every day you’re alive” -Switchfoot

As always, we can expect many to disagree and misinterpret our mission as extremist, judgmental, and sex-negative. Regardless, may we have the determination to draw deep on our courage, reminded of the inspirational people throughout history who have modeled this for us. For those who believe in coincidence, how ironic it is that current popular movies like “Selma” and “Unbroken” lead the way in the box office? The path has been prepared for us. May we utilize this powerful imagery to muster the boldness to move forward in perseverance, in the face of expected ridicule.

When we stand for what we believe in, I guarantee change will happen. It may or may not be in the form of social transformation but it undeniably will happen in each of us as we let ourselves be seen. In the words of Brene Brown, “The willingness to show up changes us, it makes us a little braver each time.”

May we stand together, with courage and congruency, against “Shades of Grey and other forms of pornography that engulf and entrap our world. May we model to our children how to act boldly in the face of injustice. May we do our part to challenge deteriorating community standards, creating a safer civilization for all of us. May we live with integrity, spreading messages of healthy sexuality, authentic connection, and the worth of all people.

The generations that follow will thank us.

–By Forest Benedict, LMFT, SATP, Clinical Director of LifeSTAR of the Central Valley If you benefited from this article, please “follow” us on this blog and on Twitter, “like” us on Facebook, and SHARE this article and blog with others. Thank you!

Posted in Anti-Porn Movement, Inspiration, Recovery, Sexual Addiction, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment