Pornography, Sex, and the Pleasure Systems in the Brain

Dopamine.  That’s a word that gets thrown around a lot in recovery circles for pornography /sex addiction.  Why is this tiny endocrinological, neurochemical compound such a big deal? It’s a big deal in recovery because it affects the part of the brain that pornography stimulates.  

Norman Droidge, M.D., author of The Brain that Changes Itself, writes the following about pornography and the pleasure centers of the brain:

“Pornography is more exciting than satisfying because we have two separate pleasure systems in our brains, one has to do with exciting pleasure and one with satisfying pleasure.  The exciting system relates to the ‘appetitive’ pleasure that we get imagining something we desire, such as sex or a good meal. Its neurochemistry is largely dopamine-related, and it raises our tension level.

“The second pleasure system has to do with the satisfaction, or consummatory pleasure, that attends actually having sex or having that meal, a calm, fulfilling pleasure.  Its neurochemistry is based on the release of endorphins, which are related to opiates and give a peaceful, euphoric bliss.

“Pornography, by offering an endless harem of sexual objects, hyperactivates the appetitive system.  Porn viewers develop new maps in their brains, based on photos and videos they see. Because it is a use-it-or-lose-it brain, when we develop a map area, we long to keep it activated.  Just as our muscles become impatient for exercise if we’ve been sitting all day, so too do our senses hunger to be stimulated.”

Basically, porn stimulates dopamine and causes the excitement and tension to build but never actually satisfies or gives the “consummatory” style of pleasure that real relationships can produce.  The porn addict is increasingly seeking pleasures that excite but don’t satisfy. Much like someone who is thirsty in the desert may have the illusion of an oasis in mirage and thinks he’s drinking but is really just guzzling sand, pornography gives the illusion of intimacy, validation, and connection when in reality it is isolating, hollow, and unfulfilling.  Porn can only excite – never satisfy.

In contrast, real relationships and attachment is satisfying.  When we connect with someone we love and have real, meaningful relationships, the other pleasure system is activated oxytocin.  That’s why in LifeStar we heavily emphasis attachment connections and meaningful relationships to partners, spouses, family, and friends.  

We also emphasize wholesome, recreational activities that are exciting to you and are healthy for you in your dailies.  The porn addict needs dopamine, but from a different source than pornography. Whether it is fishing, bike riding, sports, board games, reading, writing, cooking, or whatever else is really exciting – you need to get dopamine from some healthy activity that is exciting to you and is acceptable in your family relationships.  Having a preplanned “default response” as a “go to” when you are tempted is a key to recovery. If every time you feel tempted you can turn to some healthy excitement, you’ll be better off.

Let’s suppose you choose fishing as your wholesome, exciting activity.  Most people who love fishing can’t do that every day. But on the days you can’t fish, you could still plan your next fishing trip, organize your tackle box, or read fishing magazines.  So, if you are tempted at 2 in the morning and need your “dopamine fix,” instead of turning to pornography you could use fishing as a default response and go restring a fishing pole or tie another fly to add excitement into your life. Obviously, if you have multiple exciting hobbies and interests, that will help you get the dopamine you need in more diverse ways and lead to a more well-rounded, healthy brain (and life).  

Though it takes time, getting dopamine from healthy, wholesome activities will rewire your brain.  Just as pornography rewired your brain to crave excitement through feeding your addiction, these wholesome activities that are exciting and dopamine inducing will help heal your brain and rewire it to seek the dopamine through healthy recreations and activities.  So, remember that having wholesome fun is an important step in recovery. Who knew fun could be so healthy for your brain?

By: Kyle N. Weir, PhD, LMFT, Clinical Director, LifeSTAR of the Central Valley

Posted in Addiction, Attachment, Female Sexual Addiction, Inspiration, Recovery, Science, Self-care, Self-Compassion, Sexual Addiction, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

World Health Organization classifies compulsive sexual behavior as mental health disorder

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Great news! In a ground-breaking move, The World Health Organization just classified compulsive sexual behavior as a mental health disorder! I invite you to read my writeup on this news and why it is so significant here:


May this monumental move forward pave the way for the many needing hope and help in their battle with sex addiction.

Forest Benedict, LMFT, SATP, author of Life After Lust: Stories & Strategies for Sex & Pornography Addiction Recovery. Please follow Forest on the following platforms: NewsletterYoutubeBlogTwitterFacebookInstagram, and Pinterest, and SHARE this valuable content with others. Thank you!

Posted in Addiction, Anti-Porn Movement, Female Sexual Addiction, Partner of Sexual Addict, Recovery, Sexual Addiction, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The Pursuit of Happiness

“Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

“The secret of happiness is not in doing what one likes, but in liking what one has to do.” – James M. Barrie

Having recently celebrated the Fourth of July holiday, my mind reflected on the phrase “the pursuit of happiness” from the Declaration of Independence. In crafting the document that gave birth to this nation, Thomas Jefferson used John Locke’s principle about having an “inalienable right” to “life, liberty, and property” but wisely expanded the last right from mere property rights to the right to pursue happiness – not only in economic pursuits, but in all of life’s endeavors.

The freedom or right to pursue happiness is fundamental to our very being. We are each given the right to freely choose for ourselves the course of action in our lives. With that freedom to choose comes the heavy burden of responsibility when our choices, or the choices of loved ones, lead us on unhappy paths of sorrow and addiction’s afflictions. In fact, in making choices, virtually everyone will make some good choices that lead to happiness and other poor choices that they initially think will lead to happiness, but in the end bring misery and suffering to themselves and others around them.

The blessing of each day, however, brings with it the opportunity to learn from life’s prior lessons and make adjustments based on the wisdom gained from those past, often painful, choices. Every culture, faith tradition, or philosophy I know of has a mechanism for learning from the mistakes of the past, making course corrections, and then pursuing a new a path that will hopefully lead to desired happiness based on new values. In the Judeo-Christian world this process is called repentance. The transcendentalists – such as Ralph Waldo Emerson and Henry David Thoreau – spoke often of transcending one’s past and achieving lofty spiritual ambitions through intuitive wisdom and “living simply.” In Hinduism, the process of learning from one’s past, feeling remorse, resolving to not commit the acts again, and starting afresh is called “prayashchit.” In therapy, we typically refer to this as a process of self-awareness, guilt, self-determination, making amends, repairing relationships, forgiveness, healing, and growth. Whatever your belief system is, there is likely a process by which you can learn from your past mistakes and correct your trajectory towards a happier way of living.

At LifeStar, we support people in their “pursuit of happiness” as they learn from and overcome their past addiction-riddled choices (or from the past addiction-riddled choices of their loved ones). Wasting time in anger and recrimination (either self-recrimination or towards others) robs from happiness. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.” For the addict, learning to pursue a truer happiness than they’ve probably ever known is difficult work, but it also leads to personal freedom and (potentially) forgiveness from the ones they’ve hurt. The path of recovery is often painful, but that doesn’t mean it is not also the path to happiness. As James M. Barrie, playwright and author of Peter Pan said, often the “…secret of happiness is not in doing what one likes, but in liking what one has to do.” Making the tough choice to work one’s recovery (or support a loved one in recovery) can be made easier or harder based on one’s mindset. Learning to like what one “has to do” can be a meaningful part of the pursuit of happiness in recovery. As you and your family celebrate the freedoms of our nation this year, may you also enjoy revitalized freedom from addiction and compulsive behaviors and find renewed determination in your “pursuit of happiness.”

By: Kyle N. Weir, PhD, LMFT, Clinical Director of LifeStar of the Central Valley

Posted in Addiction, Change, Inspiration, Recovery, Self-care, Self-Compassion, Sexual Addiction, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Finding Peace: A Life-Changing New Retreat

For those wanting to deepen their healing from trauma, addiction, or pain, I want to share a life-changing new event with you. So you’ll more fully understand its value, let me first introduce you to Troy Love and his book.

Troy Love is one of my once-in-a-life-time friends. He is an experienced and gifted therapist in Yuma, Arizona. Troy is constantly creating quality content, with a passionate drive to improve the lives of others. Last year he came out with his first book called Finding Peace: A Workbook on Healing from Loss, Rejection, Neglect, Abandonment, Betrayal, and AbuseIf you haven’t read it yet. I urge you to. I had the privilege of endorsing the book, sharing that “Finding Peace is an essential workbook for anyone ready to heal from life’s hurts.  Using creative storytelling, skilled therapist, Troy L. Love, shares a powerful attachment-based process of deep wound work.  Finding Peace is a gift to all who are suffering and I am certain that it will be a catalyst of change for many.” 

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Now that you know who Troy is, let me tell you about his latest creation. He has designed a powerful new resource called The Finding Peace Retreat. Trust me, this is an unprecedented event you won’t want to miss. Here’s a short description:

The Finding Peace Retreat is a 3-day, intensive, experiential training based on the Amazon Best-Selling Book, Finding Peace.  The weekend creates a place of healing for individuals with past wounds of loss, rejection, neglect, abandonment, betrayal, and abuse who are looking for greater joy, happier relationships, and deeper fulfillment in their lives.

 Whether you’re just becoming aware of how these wounds have impacted your life or are exhausted with the constant cycle of trying to do your best and still feeling like a failure, the Finding Peace Retreat will give you the skills to heal from the past, change the internal negative messages that drive feelings of shame, and develop mindful, compassionate habits leading to greater contentment and peace. Discover your truth! Connect with your inner light that ignites your power, connection, and purpose.”

The retreat will take place on October 18 – 21 of this year. It will be held in Payson, Arizona (90 minutes from the Phoenix International Airport).

A 3-day retreat like this could run thousands of dollars. Troy is offering this event at a fraction of what he could charge (especially since the cost includes meals, lodging, and training materials). If you’re wanting to take your growth to the next level, I hope you’ll consider investing in yourself in this way.

Click here for more information and to register for this life-changing event.There are 21 spaces left!

I am grateful for Troy and his relentless efforts to uplift the world with his gifts. He is a true light to all of us. When you attend the retreat, you’ll know for yourself.

Whether you can make the retreat or not this year, I urge you to check out Troy’s other resources (his websitebookReader’s GroupTwitterFacebookYouTube channel, and blog) and sharethis post with others who would benefit.

Spending 3 days with this skilled and compassionate master teacher is a great investment in personal healing and growth. You are SO worth it. Who knows? I may just see you there.

Forest Benedict, LMFT, SATP, author of Life After Lust: Stories & Strategies for Sex & Pornography Addiction Recovery. Please follow Forest on the following platforms: NewsletterYoutubeBlogTwitterFacebookInstagram, and Pinterest, and SHARE this valuable content with others. Thank you!

Posted in Addiction, Inspiration, Recovery, Self-care, Sexual Addiction, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The Heart of the Matter

“Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain but for the heart to conquer it.” — Rabindranath Tagore

Life can be wonderful, grand, and exciting – at least, at times.  But those moments are more the exception than the rule. More often, life is full of drudgery, boredom, pain, and sorrow.  “Fun” is precisely “fun” because it is so rare.  Disappointment, pain, sorrow, and other negative emotions are strangers to no one in life who is truly honest with himself or herself.  As Dr. M. Scott Peck once said:

“Life is difficult.  

This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths.  It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult – once we truly understand and accept it – then life is no longer difficult.  Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.”

LifeStar of the Central Valley understands and embraces the truth that amidst life’s difficulties, we can find happiness and joy, healing and growth – but not while clutched in the throes of addiction’s grasp.  We cannot be happy in addiction, rather, we find happiness from addiction when we forsake and overcome our tendencies to run away, numb out, avoid, or escape life’s difficulties through acting out behavior.  All addiction, including pornography and other forms of sexual addiction, have one essential feature in common: we either don’t know how to or don’t want to deal with a negative emotion so we try to avoid or assuage the pain with something like sex, alcohol, gambling, food, drugs, compulsive shopping, or other substances or processes.  But those substances and processes don’t ever solve our problems. They just “kick the can down the road” for a little while. Later, the problems will return with a vengeance compounded with the shame and guilt of the addictive behaviors and the lies and deceit that hurts the people we love.  

The secret to conquering addiction is to face our fears, pains, disappointments, insecurities, anxieties, boredoms, depression, and a host of other negative emotions rather than running away to our favorite addictive vice.  Developing the discipline to address the heart of the matter – starting with the heart – is the key to beginning the addict’s healing and recovery.

Whenever I receive new clients into my Phase Two LifeStar group, I always give them the following diagram I designed to explain the process of addiction:

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I explain that we all want to be happy, but when we experience any of a variety of negative emotions, those who are “not good at feelings” often try to run away from, ignore, escape, or assuage their negative feelings by acting out (using porn, sex, alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping, food, etc.).  The first bump or hill represents the first time we tried to numb out the feelings through addictive acting out. Most addicts will tell you their first high is their best and they spend the rest of their addiction trying to chase the feelings they felt the first time they got high. Notice, however, that the high never reaches all the way to happiness.  That’s because addictive numbing behavior is a counterfeit of happiness – not the real thing. Soon the addict will come down from the addictive high but notice that it always leaves them a little lower than where they started. The problems they wanted to avoid come back (because addictive acting out never actually solves anything) compounded with added shame.  The addict resolves never to do it again, but soon life hands them more experiences full of accompanying negative emotions. They can only “white knuckle it” for so long before they act out again. Only this time they don’t get quite as much relief or “kick” as they did the first time. That’s because of a thing we call “tolerance.” The red curves represent the tolerance factor – that they need more and more to get the same feeling as they did the first time they got high.  If a magazine with women in swimsuits got them excited the first time, now they need more and more hardcore material to get the same effect. The problem just grows and grows. The compounding effect of addiction is insidious. Like Hercules cutting off the heads of the Hydra, the negative emotions return exponentially. That is why we often call it “Pain Squared” or Pain2   in the cycle of addiction.  By the end, their highest highs are so much lower than their original low. In reality, the numbing acting out behavior exacerbates problems and never solves them.  To defeat the demon of addiction, we must go into the “belly of the beast” and get to the heart of the matter. The “heart of the matter” may be a little different for everyone.  No two hearts are exactly alike. But the therapists here at LifeStar of the Central Valley are here to help the addicts face the fears and concerns of the heart, guiding them on the path of recovery.  Along the way, we assist the partners with the pains and hurts they’ve endured from the terrible effects of addiction incurred by their loved ones.

As the new Clinical Director of LifeStar of the Central Valley, I am eager to work with participant and partner alike in helping you and your family find happiness, healing, and hope on the path to recovery as together we seek to help you face the heart of your matter in life.

By: Kyle N. Weir, PhD, LMFT, Clinical Director of LifeStar of the Central Valley

Posted in Addiction, Change, Recovery, Self-care, Sexual Addiction, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Forest Benedict Interviews Dr Jonice Webb on CEN & Addiction

Forest Benedict Interviews Kristen Jenson, Best-Selling Author of Good Pictures Bad Pictures-2

Last Monday I had the privilege of interviewing Dr Jonice Webb, bestselling author of the Running On Empty books. I was thrilled to talk with Dr Webb, since her pioneering work on Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) has impacted me both professionally and personally. This unprecedented video interview is a followup to our written Psych Central interview in July called What No One Ever Told You About Sex Addiction. In this video we both share our unique expertise, providing a relevant conversation on CEN and addiction recovery. I highly recommend this interview to anyone wanting to understand the long-term impact of their childhood experiences and what recovery can look like. May this interview deepen our healing from early life hurts as we all grow toward recovery and wholeness.

Please note: After having the audio professionally cleaned up, some distracting mic noises remain in the video. For this reason, I am including a transcript of the interview below the video:

Forest Benedict: Hello, this is Forest Benedict, LMFT and author of Life After Lust and today I have the great privilege of interviewing Dr. Jonice Webb, author of Running On Empty and Running On Empty No More. And just to share a little bit about who she is, she has a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology and has been licensed to practice since 1991. She’s the author of the bestselling books Running On Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect and the newly released Running On Empty No More: Transform Your Relationships. Dr. Webb is a pioneer in the area of Childhood Emotional Neglect. She has been interviewed about the topic on NPR and her work has been cited or quoted in The Chicago Tribune, CNBC, Yahoo, Psychology Today, The Elephant Journal, and many other national and international media. She writes the popular Childhood Emotional Neglect blog on and is an expert partner and weekly blogger on Dr. Webb trains Psychologists and Therapists on Childhood Emotional Neglect and how to heal it. She also created the groundbreaking Fuel Up For Life Childhood Emotional Neglect online recovery program. And so definitely grateful to have her here today. 

And just for those that are watching I wanted to explain a little bit of the backstory as to how she and I connected. And so it was actually when I was writing my book Life After Lust that I had quoted her and used some of her materials as a resource because I’ve definitely seen a connection between Childhood Emotional Neglect and sex addiction. So I reached out to her and just asked for her permission to use that as a resource in my book. And she allowed me to, which I was grateful for.

Dr Jonice Webb: I was happy to.  

Forest Benedict: I know, it was so great. I really appreciate that. And then I think the way it worked is I sent you a copy of the book and you liked it and invited me to do it’s kind of a dual interview on Psych Central “What No One Ever Told You About Sex Addiction.” So we talked more in-depth about this connection between CEN and sex addiction. And that was popular, it sounds like it was over 7000 views?

Dr Jonice Webb: Oh yeah, I think well beyond that.  

Forest Benedict: Oh, awesome. Which is amazing to me. I think there is some talk of this but not as specifically as we’ve talked about. And so that’s pretty amazing to see. And I’ve since added your books Running on Empty and Running On Empty No More into our LifeSTAR program here in Fresno and I’ve found them to be incredible resources for the people that I work with. And personally. You know I feel like I definitely relate to this on a personal level. So anyways that’s kind of how you and I connected. Anything you would add to that as far as how we’ve been able to connect and collaborate? 

Dr Jonice Webb: Well I think we have some overlap in our followings and the people who follow your work and people who follow my work. And it’s been really nice to introduce my people to your work and your people to mine. I think it’s just been a really positive collaboration all the way around for everybody. So, I’ve really appreciated it. 

Forest Benedict: Yeah, definitely. And I think it’s great too because looking at your book, obviously it doesn’t address sex addiction directly, but when we talk about the origins of sexual addiction, or probably really every addiction, that those that have experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect really are made vulnerable to all types of addictions. So in that sense it really is an essential topic to explore. And so I really appreciate you. 

Dr Jonice Webb: Thank you. Same here. 

Forest Benedict: So, just for those that maybe aren’t familiar with the term CEN or what that’s about, can you explain what that means? CEN?

Dr Jonice Webb: Absolutely. So, CEN means Childhood Emotional Neglect and it essentially happens to a lot of people who have no idea that they grew up with it. Basically, all it is is when you grow up in a household where feelings are not responded to enough, they’re not noticed, like as a child your feelings are not really treated as if they matter. And that can be because your parents are too busy, because they’re too self-focused, because they’re struggling themselves, or because this is how they were raised, which is actually the largest number of parents. But if you grow up with your feelings treated as if they’re kind of irrelevant or don’t matter, you grow up to treat your own feelings that way. Essentially, you have to wall off your feelings as a child. Your brain does this for you just as a coping mechanism. It walls off feelings so that your feelings will not bother your parents and your family and yourself. And then you grow up lacking this vital resource that helps us all have a happy life and a healthy life and thrive, and that is your emotions. You lack that contact with your emotions that you really need to have. And that’s what Childhood Emotional Neglect is.

Forest Benedict: I would imagine that that would lead to a lot of problems as an adult. As a child it may feel like this is normal. You know, this is the way we deal with feelings or don’t deal with feelings. What would be some of the affects of that into adulthood? 

Dr Jonice Webb: As you grow up without access to your feelings you can have this…the reason I named both of my books Running On Empty and Running On Empty No More is because of the empty sense that you grow up with. It’s a feeling like something is missing and you’re a little bit different than other people. You feel a little bit left out wherever you are and like other people have something that you don’t have, but you have no idea what it is. A lot of people struggle to even put what I just described into words, they just feel it. In addition to that because you’re lacking your feelings, you have trouble connecting with people in a rich and meaningful and deep way, the way that emotions…you know, emotions are what make connections and so when the emotions are not there enough, it’s hard to connect enough. So you can end up feeling kind of empty and alone and directionless or having trouble finding your way just because your emotions should be directing you, motivating you, and driving you and they’re walled off. So those are the main parts of it. 

Forest Benedict: Yeah, I found that a lot of people that I work with, people that deal with sexual addiction, they already have a sense that something’s wrong with them. They already have this deep sense of shame, that something’s broken within them, something’s uniquely flawed in them. And so it sounds like what you’re saying is that maybe some of this feeling could could be more than just due to the addiction and the choices they’ve made but really goes much earlier than that into childhood. 

Dr Jonice Webb: Yes. Absolutely. I think most people who develop addictions, many of them had very loving well-meaning parents, some of them didn’t, but many of them did. And it’s a puzzle, how did this person get this addiction? And it’s because this sort of emptiness inside of them is pulling for something to fill it. And you can fill it with food, you can fill it with shopping, you can fill it with gambling, you can fill it with time spent online, you can even fill it with Netflix. You can fill it with all kinds of things but it’s really just the essential lack of your emotions that you’re trying to make up for and cope with. 

Forest Benedict: So is it kind of like through doing those experiences, you feel something? Like people that use pornography addictively, it does make you feel things, right? Is that part of what it is? This experience, even though it’s unhealthy and addictive is actually helping me feel something? 

Dr Jonice Webb: Yes, absolutely. In Running On Empty I talked about one person who used skydiving to get a sense of a thrill or some kind of emotion. And people don’t even realize that they’re seeking a feeling, that they’re trying to fill themselves with, they’re trying to just feel something. 

Forest Benedict: That does make a lot of sense. When I think about the recovery process, I already conceptualize recovery from an attachment perspective and that the deficiencies in attachment and connection really do make people vulnerable to addiction, like we’re talking about. So, the language I use is “self-connection.” It sounds like these people that have CEN lack self connection and that it can really lead to disconnection with other people and themselves and lots of unhealthy types of behaviors to try and fill that lack of connection. 

Dr Jonice Webb: Yeah, exactly. And that was the reason I wrote my second book Running On Empty No More because it’s really about once you start to recognize that you have emotional neglect in your childhood you realize that you’re having trouble connecting with people and they’re having trouble connecting with you because they can’t connect in with your feelings and it keeps the relationship either one way or shallow or unrealized in its potential, I guess you could say.

Forest Benedict: And that’s why I’m so grateful that you wrote that second book because I think what happens to people when they read Running on Empty is they’re like “Wow, how does this play out?” Running On Empty is great and you could tell me if this is how you see it but I’d say Running On Empty is more of how do I heal and connect with myself and then Running On Empty No More is how does this apply to my relationship with my parents and my kids and my partner. Is that how you look at it?

Dr Jonice Webb: Yes, that’s 100% accurate.

Forest Benedict: Okay, cool. And we could feel so lost in how to do that. I mean obviously once we realize CEN is a problem we’re like, “Okay, how do I talk to my parents about this in a way that’s…I know you don’t intend for us to blame our parents…this could stir up quite a bit of anger towards our parents.

Dr Jonice Webb: Some people deserve blame though.

Forest Benedict: Can you share more about that?

Dr Jonice Webb: Parents who really are just bad parents because they either don’t care or they’re too self-involved. I’m really not against people blaming their parents when their parents deserve it. A lot of people who have CEN have it because their parents grew up this way too. Their parents grew up with their parents under responding to their emotions and so they are kind of blind to the emotion world and so they don’t see their children’s emotions just like they don’t see their own. Those parents I don’t think deserve blame. They’re just doing the best that they can with what they have. So, there’s two different groups there.

Forest Benedict: Yeah, that makes sense. And so your book guides people through how respond to parents in both of those scenarios? 

Dr Jonice Webb: Yeah. I talk about the three different kinds of parents, which are, first, the self-involved. The second group are struggling and those are people who are struggling financially or taking care of a family member or depressed or something like that but really trying to be a good parent but just don’t have the bandwidth. And the third group are the ones I just talked about, the parents who were neglected themselves as they were growing up. And depending on which of the three groups your parents fall in, you may or may not decide to try to talk with them about it. And of course the first group, the self-involved, are the hardest parents to try to talk with. These are all different kinds of considerations take into account.

Forest Benedict: Yeah, that makes sense. And these will be very difficult conversations to have for most of us, trying to talk about something that was never talked about. And so it’s so helpful to have your book and obviously some people will need more help than that, maybe be getting into therapy with a CEN therapist.

And what about talking to your kids or maybe you don’t talk about it but how does this relate to parents? I certainly am very aware of this as a parent. I really don’t want to do the same thing to my kids. I am already aware of this as a father and a therapist. How do I make emotion a topic of conversation and learn to respond to them in a way that won’t emotionally neglect them? 

Dr Jonice Webb: It depends on what age the kids are. There are certain things that you can apply to all age kids from the smallest to adult children even. Those things that you can do are to ask more questions. Initiate more contact, whether it’s just talking with them or calling them. And using more emotion words. That fits with every age group. You can do it with toddlers. You can do it with adults. Just keeping emotion words in mind and trying to use them more is a way to connect and start introducing that concept of feelings into the relationship.

Forest Benedict: Yeah, that makes a lot of sense and it definitely feels like you would need to have done some of your own work first. How can you see your children’s emotions if you don’t even know what your own emotions are. Is that what you see, that people really do have to start with their own work, start naming their own emotions before they can start to see those in other people?

Dr Jonice Webb: Any parent should be aware of what they’re feeling and if a parent lacks that ability…the better you get at being in touch with yourself, the better you’re going to be in touch with your child. They just go hand in hand. 

Forest Benedict: I’m sure that would also apply to your partner. If you’re in a relationship with someone, the more you can connect with your own feelings and even name them, then you can communicate them better to your partner and also see their feelings and respond to them. The type of therapy that I would recommend to people would be EFT (Emotion Focused Therapy) or something that helps them learn how to attach, learn  how to deal with this scary and undefined realm of emotions. 

Dr Jonice Webb: Yes. Absolutely. And sometimes with couples I will give, because I see a lot of couples in my practice, I’ll give them a worksheet to take home where they guess what their partner is feeling at certain times during the day. When they advance enough they can start checking with their partner and see if they were right. As long as they’re both doing it, they can educate each other really quickly about what’s really going on and it can be incredibly connecting and helpful. 

Forest Benedict: That sounds really really helpful to have an exercise like that where you’re learning how to do this. Have you found that people with CEN have difficulty engaging in this process? Realizing, “Wow. I want to work on this. I realize that this is an issue.” It seems like there would be shame about it, like “Oh man, what’s wrong with me?” Or have you found that people are more taking ownership and deciding “Hey, I really do want to change this.” 

Dr Jonice Webb: I think it varies a lot. And part of it, if there are any therapist’s watching this, part of it is how you introduced it to your clients. But I think really important factors that help people want to deal with this are the fact that it’s not their fault, they didn’t choose emotional neglect. They need to stop blaming themselves. And also the fact that it’s not an illness, it’s not like a disease. It’s just a lack of connection with your emotions and a certain lack of skills, which are the emotions skills, and all of that can be fixed, so it’s completely fixable. This is why I wanted to write this second book because I wanted people to see exactly what it’s like when an individual or couple or family is healing from emotional neglect. Because when you can see how much you have to gain it’s very motivating.

Forest Benedict: It sounds like through self-connection and through connecting with others, the process brings you to life. Once you feel emotion and see it and begin to connect with people, it seems like that would be profound.

Dr Jonice Webb: It is. I liken it to watering a plant that has been without water, like not quite enough water its whole life, and then you start adding the right amount more and more. The more water it gets the more it just kind of fills out and becomes what it should be. And I’ve watched people go through that so many times it’s just amazing and wonderful. It’s energizing.

Forest Benedict: It must be very fulfilling work when you see people engage in the process and actually begin to enjoy their lives more. 

Dr Jonice Webb: Yeah. So do you talk with your clients about CEN and do you have problems getting them to connect to the idea and want to work on it? Because I would expect that you would. 

Forest Benedict: Well, I use your book. I let you explain it through your book. I give them questions as a way to engage with your book. But it’s definitely difficult. I don’t know if this is actually answering your question but I find that it ruins their childhood, or their view of their childhood, but in the best way. In a way that they need to see in order to get the healing that is to come. So again, I let you introduce it through your books and then I definitely engage them in the conversation. And then the processing of how this applies to them and then how how they can use this information to recover. 

I do think that the people that take this seriously and really see recovery from an attachment standpoint and realize, “Okay, recovery isn’t just me stopping the unhealthy behaviors but recovery is me connecting with myself, with my partner, with my Higher Power. That connection really is the opposite of addiction. That’s really what the healing is about. And that’s profound. That really is what recovery is about.” The clients that grab hold of that idea and understand it really do get the deepest healing. 

Dr Jonice Webb: Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. 

Forest Benedict: Any therapist watching this, especially those dealing with people struggling with addiction, especially sexual addiction, should definitely use your books as a resource. And don’t you have training for therapists as well?

Dr Jonice Webb: Yeah, I have a training on which people who are a member can watch for free. And that’s a two hour training and then in June I’m going to be doing a CEN recovery retreat at Kripalu Retreat Center in western Massachusetts. And that is for laypeople and therapists and it offers continuing education credits for social workers and psychologists. 

Forest Benedict: Okay, that’s great. I feel like I understand the concepts. But I also would benefit from the training as a therapist. I’m certain I would also benefit from doing my own work in this area because I definitely relate to that on a personal level as well. 

Dr Jonice Webb: I think a lot of therapists grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect and it led them to become therapists because they grew up feeling like what’s missing, something’s wrong. And then they started discovering what it was by going into the mental health field. And then they end up finding this CEN topic and saying “Yes! That’s it!” It fits together.  

Forest Benedict: Yeah. That makes sense. That’s awesome. And that would be so essential for a therapist to do their own work in this area. There’s definitely times when I feel overwhelmed by the client’s emotions and if I’m not really aware of my own emotions and able to connect with them and not feel like their emotions are bigger than me. That’s a pretty big deal for a therapist to have done their own work and to not be intimidated by the client’s emotions. 

Dr Jonice Webb: It is, yes, a very big deal. I agree. 

Forest Benedict: Great. Well, thank you so much for sharing. That gives a really good, broad perspective on what CEN is and what the healing can look like. Is there anything else that we didn’t touch on that you think people exploring this topic should really be aware of?  

Dr Jonice Webb: Yes. If someone is watching and wonders if Childhood Emotional Neglect could have happened to them, which is possible because it’s so unmemorable and so invisible. So it’s hard to know. I created a questionnaire called the CEN Questionnaire, and it’s on my website, that anyone can take. It’s free. You just sign up and it joins you to my newsletter. And also you can take the questionnaire for free at your convenience. And that’s at 

Forest Benedict: That sounds like a great resource. I’m sure I’ve taken that questionnaire. So if people are watching this and even if they don’t think this applies to them, it probably would be good to just explore and see if it might be a possibility that it’s part of their experience. So, you mentioned some of your resources. Where can people follow you or where can people read more of your work. Obviously we’ve mentioned both books but what else is there that you’re providing that people could be aware of? 

Dr Jonice Webb: Well, there’s a lot of information on my website There’s my Childhood Emotional Neglect blog on Also, I’m a partner with so I also have a blog on that website as well. 

Forest Benedict: Okay. And you’re on Facebook as well, right? 

Dr Jonice Webb: Yep, I’m on Facebook, I’m on Twitter, and my handle is @jwebbphd, and LinkedIn. I’m all over the internet.

Forest Benedict: One thing I’ve noticed is you create tons of content all the time. I do that too. I create a lot of content and so I appreciate that about you and I think you’re making a huge impact. I know that we often don’t see all of the results of the stuff that we do online and whatever else. But I hope you trust that you are making a huge impact in the world.

Dr Jonice Webb: Well, thank you. Thank you very much for saying that. I appreciate it. 

Forest Benedict: And I keep sharing your stuff all over the place. I will continue being a Superfan and continue to share with the world the things that you’re creating.

Dr Jonice Webb: Thank you so much.

Forest Benedict: It’s my pleasure. Anytime I find a resource that I think is helpful to clients and other people, it’s meaningful to me to get that out into the hands of the people that need it. Again, thank you so much for your time and for sharing your expertise in this area. I look forward to sharing this with those that need it. It’s been great talking with you. It’s an honor. I wish you the best as you continue getting the word out about your books and the work that you’re doing.

Dr Jonice Webb: Thank you Forest. And I wish all the same for you.

Forest Benedict: Thank you.

Dr Webb’s resources:

Running On Empty

Running On Empty No More

CEN Questionnaire

CEN Programs

PsychCentral CEN Blog

FacebookYoutubeTwitter, & LinkedIn

Therapist Resources

Dr Webb’s Life After Lust review:

Jonice Webb LAL Quote

If you appreciated this interview, please share it with others. For future recovery resources, I invite you to follow me on this blog and on the platforms below.

Wishing you all healing and wholeness.


Forest Benedict, LMFT, SATP, author of Life After Lust: Stories & Strategies for Sex & Pornography Addiction Recovery. Please follow Forest on the following platforms: NewsletterYoutubeBlogTwitterFacebookInstagram, and Pinterest, and SHARE this valuable content with others. Thank you!
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Lacy Alajna Bentley Interview: Female Sex, Porn, & Love Addiction Recovery

Benedict Bentley Interview Pic

I had the privilege of interviewing Lacy Alajna Bentley on female sex, porn, and love addiction recovery. We covered a lot of ground in this interview on relevant and timely topics including the roots of addiction, fantasy, shame, connection, abuse, empowerment, and Lacy’s story and upcoming book. This casual interview is a must-see for females battling sex, love, and pornography addiction (and those who love them). Also in this interview, some exciting news was made public about our collaboration on an upcoming project. I’m so grateful for Lacy’s time and willingness to share her heart so openly in this Life After Lust VLOG episode.


To check out Lacy’s website and resources, click here. I also recommend you take advantage of Lacy’s generous offer presented in the video.

Additional recovery resources for women include:

Staci Sprout – Women’s Sex-Love Addiction Resources (and her book)

Marnie Ferree – Suggested Reading (and her book)

Covenant Eyes – Resources for Women Who Struggle with Porn

Jessica Harris – Women & Pornography (and her book)

Forest Benedict – Life After Lust (and LifeSTAR groups)


Marnie Ferree

It is my hope that this interview encourages and equips all women struggling with sexual addiction. As stated in the above interview:

“You are not the only one, you are not crazy or beyond hope. Women need to keep reaching out for help. Keep looking, keep trying, because more people are becoming aware of the issue and more resources are becoming available. You’re worth the effort.”  – The Anonymous Female Recovering Addict Who Sponsored This VLOG Interview

Forest Benedict, LMFT, SATP, author of Life After Lust: Stories & Strategies for Sex & Pornography Addiction Recovery. Please follow Forest on the following platforms: NewsletterYoutubeBlogTwitterFacebookInstagram, and Pinterest, and SHARE this valuable content with others. Thank you!
Posted in Anti-Porn Movement, Female Sexual Addiction, Recovery, Sexual Addiction, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Surprised by the News: Men Fighting Toxic Masculinity

Screen Shot 2018-03-20 at 3.28.09 PM

Last Friday when I tuned into the Staci Sprout‘s Facebook Live show Sex Addiction in the News, I had no idea I would be part of the conversation. It was the third installment of the new show, which Staci created out of her passion to de-stigmatize the conversation around sex addiction so more people can find help (click here to watch).

In this week’s episode, Staci shared about an upcoming movie about female sex addiction, treatment models for teen porn addiction, the impact of growing up as a child of a sex addict, sex addiction in the LGBTQ community, sex addiction and pornography research, and the sex addiction books of the week.

To my surprise, Sprout shared about both my book and Andrew Bauman’s book (The Psychology of Porn), showing a clip from our recent VLOG interview on objectification, lust, and misogyny.

I am humbled by her description of recovering men like us:

I am honored to be viewed in such a light. If you’ve read Life After Lust, you’ll know I am passionate about fighting against sexual exploitation and objectification. I have championed this cause with messages such as this:

Andrew Bauman is another strong voice calling out the worth of women. In his book The Psychology of Porn, he writes:

Being recognized for these values increases my resolve to be continue being part of the solution, as our world heals from the wounds of toxic masculinity. I invite all men to join this cause, which is currently led by many amazing and strong women such as Staci Sprout.

Thank you Staci for starting such important discussions. You are bringing awareness and hope to a world saturated with sexual addiction.

I invite you the join hands with those of us fighting for human dignity and sexual recovery in The Anti-Pornography Movement Facebook Group. To learn from other leaders in the movement against sexual exploitation, check out the upcoming Coalition to End Sexual Exploitations Global Summit in April and the Lonestar Coalition Against Pornography Conference in September.

To join the weekly conversation, visit Staci Sprout’s Facebook page on Fridays at 5pm (PST).

I hope to see you there.

Forest Benedict, LMFT, SATP, author of Life After Lust: Stories & Strategies for Sex & Pornography Addiction Recovery. Please follow Forest on the following platforms: NewsletterYoutubeBlogTwitterFacebookLinkedInInstagramPinterestGoogle+StumbleUpon, and SHARE this valuable content with others. Thank you!
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My Last LifeSTAR Blog Post

Dear Readers,

Due to some recent changes I will no longer be managing this blog (click here for the full story). This site will also continue to be in capable hands and you will continue receiving relevant recovery related content. From time to time, I’m sure you’ll see guest posts and other creative content I’ve submitted for sharing here. I hope you’ll continue visiting this blog and growing from the resource provided.

THANK YOU Roubicek & Thacker for allowing me to thrive in my writing here!

THANK YOU readers for making this blog what it is!

THANK YOU all for joining me in this journey over the years!

I wish all of you health, wholeness, and healing.


Forest Benedict, LMFT, SATP

Forest Benedict, LMFT, SATP, therapist at LifeSTAR of the Central Valley and author of Life After Lust. If you benefited from this article, please “follow” us on this blog and on Twitter, “like” us on Facebook, and SHARE this article and blog with others. Thank you!



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The Psychology of Porn: An Interview on Lust, Misogyny, & Sexual Addiction Recovery

Forest Benedict Interviews Andrew Bauman

Last week I had the privilege of interviewing Andrew Bauman, the author of the new book The Psychology of Porn. In our conversation we explored topics in his book including lust, objectification, misogyny, and a “pornographic style of relating.” This short, insightful video is valuable for those seeking recovery from sexual addiction. Click below to watch and please share with anyone who might benefit. Check out Andrew’s book on Amazon.

I would love to hear your thoughts on the interview and I’m sure Andrew would enjoy hearing from you as well. For more information on Andrew and to reach out to him, check out his website

Wishing you all hope & healing,

Forest Benedict, LMFT, SATP

Forest Benedict, LMFT, SATP, therapist at LifeSTAR of the Central Valley and author of Life After Lust. If you benefited from this article, please “follow” us on this blog and on Twitter, “like” us on Facebook, and SHARE this article and blog with others. Thank you!
Posted in Addiction, Anti-Porn Movement, Recovery, Sexual Addiction | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment